Mother of the Year by Karen Ross

Author:Karen Ross
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781473501409
Publisher: Ebury Publishing

The one piece of improvisation comes courtesy of Asbo. Having started the blender, he’s been trained to remain in shot at the top of the steps, while the machine’s whirring blades turn the soccer shirt and water into a blood-like pulp.

But instead of retreating from the blender, Asbo advances upon it.

And embraces it.

With his tongue.

He licks the blender’s plastic surface as though it were a juicy morsel of flesh. Which in a manner of speaking – as we discover five minutes later, when everyone has finished laughing, Asbo has stopped licking, and Eric has managed to choke out the word, ‘CUT!’ – it is.

‘I used chicken stock to coat the blender,’ Danny confesses. ‘Just a pinch. I thought the smell of it might tempt Asbo to do the business with the “on” button. Get him up close to it, so he’d remember what he’d been taught.’

‘Never mind,’ Eric says. ‘What we’ve got here is brilliant. Ten-minute break everybody. Then we’ll shoot the final sequence.’

The last part of the video is plain sailing. Danny pours a tall glass of football shirt, and hands it to the boy whose garment has been destroyed. He looks at it in horror and says, ‘It’s got no vitamins. I know it tastes bad without taking a sip. It’s just not FruityFul.’

‘It’s a wrap!’ Eric punches the air in jubilation. He’s still got to direct his way through a further three videos, where The Wiz and his team will blend Walter the unglamorous assistant’s homework, then a girlie selection of make-up, and finally a prehistoric computer – at least ten years old – which has to be dismembered with power tools before it goes into the blender. And once it’s been reduced to fine powder, our director will get cracking on the second set of videos, where The Wiz conjures up delicious, nutritious fruit-based recipes, all of which will be pronounced as Great Big Hitz with the kids.

It’s a big job – even supposing Asbo behaves himself – and Eric’s got only three days to get it all finished. Then the post-production people take over. They’ll add the ‘Will it Wiz?’ titles, plus a Disneyesque soundtrack, and a subtitle that says: ‘Don’t try this at home’.

While all that’s happening, I’ll be putting the final touches to my FruityFul launch strategy: setting up Facebook groups, YouTube links and Twitter feeds for the video distribution, writing the case study ad for Podolski, and then starting to prepare the materials Rob and Danny will need to start selling FruityFul franchises into schools and youth clubs. It’s one hell of a lot of work – especially as I haven’t quite finished the Doublekay website – so I’m probably going to have to give up sleeping.

Theodora taps me on the shoulder. ‘I’d better be getting back to work,’ she says.

‘How’s the sand?’

My friend pulls a face. ‘Interesting,’ she manages. ‘Some days I feel I might actually be the artist my mother always told me I was. But most of the time I think I’m just a kid messing around in a sandpit.

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