Magnetic Partners by Stephen J. Betchen

Author:Stephen J. Betchen
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Free Press
Published: 2010-07-15T00:00:00+00:00

WHAT’S BEHIND YOUR FINANCIAL PROBLEMS: YOUR MASTER CONFLICT AND MONEY

Money always has been a close second behind sex as a troubling symptom of the master conflict. When couples struggle financially, it’s easy to understand why they’d fight. But money conflicts can also stem from less obvious roots. For example, I once treated a couple whose combined annual income exceeded $300,000. Yet whenever Gordon, forty-nine, a real estate agent, bought something, Eleanor, fifty-two, an attorney, would scold him. Her initial defense: “I earn more than he does, so I should be in charge of how the money is spent. If Gordon wants more control, he can start earning more.” Later in treatment, the real truth came out: Eleanor’s father made a good living in his heyday, but he made a few terrible investments and lost most of his money and assets, leaving his family almost penniless when he became disabled and could no longer work. When her husband bought even the smallest item, Eleanor’s anxiety level skyrocketed. “Once she yelled at me in a store, in front of several customers, because I was set to buy a couple candy bars,” Gordon said, shaking his head at the memory. “She can get really crazy about money even though we have plenty.”

1. Adequacy vs. inadequacy —When partners feel both adequate and inadequate regarding money matters.

2. Control vs. chaos (Control vs. out of control) —When partners want to be in control financially but set themselves up to be financially out of control.

3. Justice vs. injustice —When partners resist or protest unfair financial restrictions, yet create the need for them with their excessive spending or inability to set financial limits.

4. Power vs. passivity —When partners are conflicted about possessing financial power. For example, one partner may demonstrate a desire for financial power by working hard to earn a lot of money, yet choose a mate with little motivation to earn, and vice versa.

5. Success vs. sabotage (Big vs. small) —When partners are conflicted about succeeding and failing financially.

To dive deeper again into an example, consider how the money problems of one couple I counseled, which were so severe that they were threatening their marriage, grew out of a control vs. chaos master conflict.

Annette and Troy were quite a contrast. Troy, a forty-four-year-old actuary, was a tall, thin, quiet man; Annette, a fifty-year-old dentist, was a five-foot ball of fire. Gesticulating with her hands, she spoke loud and fast: “I can’t live like this,” she told me. “He’s so cheap, you’d think we’re about to go into bankruptcy. Who needs this? I was single for many years, and I handled my finances just fine, thank you.”

Troy was visibly distraught. He leaned forward in his chair, clasped his hands, and slowly shook his head from side to side. “I don’t know what to do, Doc,” he said in a soft voice. “Annette spends money like there’s no tomorrow; and she shops at the most expensive stores. The other day she spent hundreds of dollars on food. That’s insane.

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