Live Nude Elf by Reverend Jen
Author:Reverend Jen
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781593763978
Publisher: Catapult
Published: 2018-05-16T00:00:00+00:00
16
BABY TALK
ABOUT A WEEK into making the movie, I discovered something about acting: I hate it. You wake up early, sit around all day, and then recite someone elseâs script. This is why so many actors go insane.
To liven things up, I started fucking one of my costarsânot the actor playing my husband or the actor playing my lover, but the actor playing the private detective hired by my husband to follow my lover and me around. The affair lasted two days until his scenes were shot and he went back to Canada where he lived.
This left me free to spend the remainder of my time on the set penning letters to Anthony. Weâd promised to keep in touch, and it was a promise I intended to keep. Nick was still appearing at my open mike every week and calling me practically every day, but I told him Iâd fallen for someone in England. After being treated like a goddess overseas, there was no way I would go back to letting some American dude treat me like crap.
The shoot ended and my next column was due a few days later.
My friends Jen and Hank, whoâd met on the set of my play, Lord of the Cockrings, had recently given birth to an adorable baby boy named Henry. Jen, who was a fan of my column, suggested motherhood as an experiment.
âAfter all, itâs the result of sex,â she said.
The Princess Reform School piece had been so dirty I liked the idea of doing something G-rated. I imagined some dude whoâd jacked to the reform school piece anxiously awaiting my next story, only to find it full of dirty diapers and baby food. Something in me delighted in making readers flaccid.
And motherhood wasnât far from my mind. Not that my biological clock was tickingâIâd never had the instinct to breed. But plenty of my friends were starting to have babies. My sister, who was only two years older than me, already had two kids. When her first son was born, I even tried to help out in the delivery room. Despite my best efforts, I did little but stare in horror as the doctor used what looked like a Flowbee to suck the newbornâs head out of my sisterâs vag.
Since then Iâd been relegated to the position of wacky aunt, which is the polite term for a thirty-three-year-old woman who still sits at the childrenâs table during family functions. In all, I had six nieces and nephews, but still had never changed a diaper or prepared a bottle. The great thing about being a wacky aunt is that you get to do all the fun stuff like teach your little nephew how to Vaseline his parentsâ toilet seat or short-sheet their bed while avoiding all the work like paying for his education or bail money.
The closest Iâd come to motherhood was caring for my six-pound Chihuahua. But you canât put your child in a purse and go to a bar. Like Vin Diesel in The Pacifier, I was totally unprepared.
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