Light on Peacemaking by Thomas DiGrazia

Author:Thomas DiGrazia
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Business Expert Press

CHAPTER 7

Negotiations

At the root of every tantrum and power struggle are unmet needs.

—Marshall Rosenberg, NVC

Life is about one long negotiation. We negotiate every aspect and nuance of our lives; from getting along with our childhood comrades in the neighborhood playground to surfing the various shoals of life—education, marriage, contracts, distribution of power dynamics in families and professions, boundaries with neighbors, individuation with our parents, work promotions, street vendors, and, yes, divorce.

Negotiation is an art form. Negotiation skills come naturally to some, and through experience for the rest of us. Negotiation skills are at the core of peacemaking and mediation. Peacemakers believe that mostly ­everything is negotiable. Everything—from negotiating the subway, romancing a perspective mate to winning an election, to buying a home—is negotiable. Negotiations are how we get our needs met.

In the divorce field, how we get our needs met is a choice. We can go to war and choose a violent path—the adversarial divorce process with its warrior attorneys and their weapons of human disconnection—leading to judgment, criticism, comparison, denial of responsibility, demand, and a I deserve attitude. Or, one can choose the path of nonviolence based on human connection, as expressed through empathy, compassion, and meeting unmet needs, which is made possible through family mediation and peacemaking.

The following negotiation practice pointers and fundamentals apply to those who are negotiation participants as well as neutrals facilitating difficult conversations, particularly family law mediators. What we say about peacemakers applies equally to mediation participants and individuals seeking a more nonviolent way of communicating. We start with an adaptation of an essay written by me for one of my Mediation and Conflict courses.

Hearing and Listening

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