Jeeves and the Leap of Faith by Ben Schott

Author:Ben Schott [Schott, Ben]
Language: eng
Format: azw3, epub, mobi
ISBN: 9781473571594
Publisher: Random House
Published: 2020-10-15T00:00:00+00:00

* * *

‘News!’ I announced, striding into the Perseus Suite and unfettering my bow-tie.

Jeeves glanced nervously about the room. ‘Belonging to Mr Fink-Nottle, sir?’

‘News. Pages of it. You might use me to wrap fish ’n’ chips.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘Since we last met,’ I counted off on my fingers, ‘I’ve been threatened with ruin if I don’t marry Madeline; arrested for trespass and banged up in a cell; then tried and acquitted by the maddest of beaks.’

‘Might a brandy and soda be congenial, sir? Or one of my specials?’

‘For once, Jeeves – and brace yourself – no. I’ve only just survived a Hysterically Proteinaceous breakfast. What would be congenial is coffee, as strong and black as the beans can jump.’

‘Very good, sir.’

‘And, as if all that wasn’t enough, I’ve just witnessed Whipplesnaith hob-nobbing with the Black Shorts.’

Jeeves looked surprised. ‘Indeed, sir?’

‘They’re recruiting in front of Holy Trinity Church. He was deep in collusion with Spode.’

‘Most interesting, sir. I shall pass on your observations to Lord MacAuslan.’

‘Oh! And have you heard the latest about Spode himself?’

‘Do you refer, sir, to Lord Sidcup’s non-payment of club dues; the defamation suit he has launched against his nanny; or his debate tonight at the Cambridge Union?’

How Jeeves accomplishes his effortless omniscience is one of those eternal, unfathomable mysteries, like the Hanging Gardens of Babylon, or Percy Gorringe’s side-whiskers – which, now I picture them, also hang pretty Babylonically.

‘I refer to tonight’s debate: “This House says Hurrah for the Black Shorts!” or some such trumpery. Fortunately, the Hysteron Proteron has a plan to foil Spode rotten.’

‘I’m heartened to hear so, sir.’

I outlined the scheme we’d thrashed out over breakfast, but was met with a cloud-bank of doubt.

‘Do I sense dissent in the ranks?’

‘While I admire the stratagem’s byzantine complexity and laborious ambition, sir, it does place considerable weight upon one not insignificant imponderable.’

‘Eh?’

‘Specifically, sir, whether Lord Sidcup drives to the Union.’

‘Drives? That’s your imponderable? Of course he’ll drive! Have you seen the man’s heft? Added to which, the forecast is for heavy rain, and Spode melts in the rain like soap-flakes.’

‘I hate to press the point, sir, but were his lordship to walk to the Union, would that not render the Pitt’s labyrinthine vehicular diversion void?’

‘Oh, he’ll drive. Have no fear. We’ve even booked a taxi to be waiting outside his hotel.’

‘Very good, sir.’ Jeeves paused, and shifted his weight diffidently. ‘Incidentally, sir, I feel I owe you an apology for the events of yesterday morning.’

‘For allowing Monty to scoff my breakfast?’

‘No, sir.’

‘For dressing me up as a clairvoyante?’

‘No, sir.’

‘There was something else?’

‘Yes, sir. It concerns a Miss Chitt.’

‘What’s amischit? The solution to Nineteen Across?’

‘Miss Mabel Chitt, sir. The room-service waitress.’

‘Ahh! Nervous girl. Spilled things. Fled the scene.’

He nodded.

‘Come now, Jeeves, you don’t have to apologise for the hotel staff. They are hardly within your purview, if purview is the mot juste.’

‘Purview is most apropos, sir.’ He paused. ‘May I take it, sir, that you did not recognise Miss Chitt?’

‘Should I have?’

‘Possibly, sir. She was previously employed

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