Immodest: A Novel by L.S. Einat

Author:L.S. Einat [Einat, L.S.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2021-08-15T04:00:00+00:00

When I was seven or eight, the circus came to town, set up not far from our neighborhood. It was one of the few times that my father took us out for that kind of activity. I especially remember the clown. To make the crowd laugh, which included many children my age, he walked a certain way in long black shoes, hit some kind of obstacle, and fell and rolled on the ground. Then he got up, again walking the same way, hit the same obstacle, and again rolled. He did this several times. The children roared with laughter, and the poor clown continued to bash himself up by falling. I remember that I was one of the few people who didn’t laugh. I looked around and felt anger and sadness that one person’s pain was the source of enjoyment for another.

Now, with the rabbi in front of me and Menachem Mendel next to me, I felt that I was in the clown’s shoes. I tried every possible way to justify my request to divorce. I gave examples, spoke logically, told of things that had happened, words that were said, about the hate and distance between us. I expressed my pain in every possible way but like the clown, I tripped again and again. In one last desperate attempt, I went over the same words in the hope that I could elicit an emotion from one of the men who was sitting with me. But my pain meant nothing to them, and its place was taken by feelings of power and pleasure. When I saw that nothing would move them, I stood up. Without looking at them, I left the room. In the background, I heard the rabbi calling me, but I was already outside. I had to take a deep breath, to fill myself with clean air. I felt defiled in a room packed with prejudice and stereotypes, condescension, customs and laws invented by men.

I walked quickly toward my modest apartment, but then changed my mind and went toward the big field that I hadn’t visited in several weeks. The field waited for me, neglected and spacious. As soon as my feet walked on it, it was as if I had come to a warm home opening its arms to me. I looked around and breathed in the feeling of liberation the field brought to me. I kept looking around toward the industrial zone at its edge, and in a moment’s decision, rushed toward it. Three men were bending over a car. Dan was in the middle. When I stood in the doorway, my body blocked some of their light. All three raised their heads at once. A few seconds passed until Dan recognized me. In a sharp move, he turned toward me, and in seconds he was at my side.

“Perele...” he said my name. It seemed like he wanted to do something with his arms, because he held them stiff and close to his body. “Where’ve you been?” he asked.

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