I'm Just Saying: a Guide to Maintaining Civil Discourse in an Increasingly Divided World by Milan Kordestani

Author:Milan Kordestani
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Health Communications Inc
Published: 2023-04-25T00:00:00+00:00

Q: What should I do if I can’t stop my mind from wandering during conversations?

A: Most of us struggle with wandering thoughts. It’s a pretty natural thing that occurs in our minds—considering the average human has 6,200 thoughts per day.13 Focusing on a discussion can be more difficult for some people, but pretty much everyone can overcome their irrelevant thought patterns when they occur. Mindfulness practice is a great way to increase your focus in general and work to prevent your mind from going to other places during discourse.

Q: Won’t it seem strange if I repeat people’s own words back to them?

A: Generally, repeating the last thing that someone said back to them is a sign that you are listening and want to understand them better. For most people, it will show your interest in their words. You don’t need to directly repeat their exact words back to them—it’s more like you’re summarizing them. This process is sometimes called mirroring. If you think about people who are professional listeners, they engage in this behavior: impactful counselors reflect statements back to their patients, and excellent professors reword their students’ questions before answering them for the class. Repeating a statement back to a speaker will actually begin to feel natural, and you will notice that the people around you respond well to that pattern of speech. Summarizing and sharing is a great way to build collaborative relationships. Let’s look at an example. You and a friend are discussing Amazon, the American multinational technology company famed for its algorithmically driven, next-day delivery system. They assert, “Well, I think it’s just wrong. Amazon is a big corporation; they should do better to be good for people and the planet. They treat their workers terribly. They don’t pay taxes. I think they’re awful and irresponsible.”

You might respond, “Okay, I hear what you’re saying, and it’s clear that corporate responsibility is important to you. Your frustrations with Amazon—that they don’t treat their workers well or that you don’t like how they handle taxes—make a lot of sense. I think corporate responsibility is important, too. But, I look at Amazon in a different way….”

This example shows how you can repeat people’s words back to them in a way that conveys that you’ve listened and makes them feel respected. But it also allows you to clarify ideas in a way to ensure clear communication so that you can keep the dialogue on track and productive. You are operating in good faith by representing their words back to them to show you understand.

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