I Just Want to Be Perfect by Jen Mann

Author:Jen Mann [Mann, Jen]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Throat Punch Media

20

Vintage Dreams and a Modern Reality

By Shya Gibbons

I could proudly type on a resume: perfect wife and perfect mother. Cooking and cleaning; perfectly groomed and always put together. You know those people that have it all? Well, hi, you are now acquainted with one.

Then I actually became a wife and a mother and realized that I. Know. Nothing.

While most children aspire to be astronauts, doctors, or veterinarians, I always wanted to be a mother. I am one of those intrinsically maternal people—you know, the ones who always have everything you could ever need somehow packed away into a purse. At one point in my life I even carried around individual packets of sunscreen and would hand them out to the workers corralling carts at the supermarket. Who the fuck does that?

But I digress. I found the perfect man. He really is perfect in every single way. No flaws at all with this man. My dreams were starting to come true; I was going to be a wife! I should mention that I have a bachelor’s degree and at twenty-three I was the recipient of a first-place award handed out by my state for my investigative reporting. I had a kickass career that I loved, so I wasn’t just sitting around at coffee shops dropping napkins and daintily picking them up to try to get a man to notice me.

My bridal shower theme was vintage housewife. Yes, I had a themed bridal shower so judge me if you must. I had the perfect a-lined dress with a lace overlay and donned a custom-made apron that had my soon-to-be married name on it. I also rocked a pearl necklace that hung around my neck in layers. No, you perverted petunias not that kind of pearl necklace. I have been rocking pearl necklaces long before bitches started clutching them over everything posted on the Internet.

We had a beautiful shower where guests brought their favorite recipes and placed them into a binder so I could have dozens of new recipes to make to satisfy my husband.

Fast forward a few months after our perfect wedding. I was settling into my role nicely. Cooking and cleaning, taking care of my husband. It’s what made me happy. Then, after our first time trying, I became pregnant with a little baby- here forth to be called Chicken Nugget. This was it. Perfect wife, perfect mother status: locked and loaded.

I daydreamed what it would be like once the Chicken Nugget announced his arrival. I had my entire day planned out. Wake up, smile because life is so good, brush teeth and brush hair, do subtle makeup. Once that is completed I will pick out a nice, but sensible, outfit. I will begin cleaning the house at six am. My husband is a police officer so he usually will be coming home by that time to a home cooked meal, I assumed.

Hark! What is that melodious sound? My sweet cherub is awake and he is singing the song of his people.

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