I Had a Brother Once by Adam Mansbach
Author:Adam Mansbach [Mansbach, Adam]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Random House Publishing Group
Published: 2021-04-13T00:00:00+00:00
i did know one person: mark,
who owned the nameless
philly record spot, a fourth
floor room in an unheated
steel building, more storage
space than store. he was
open on sundays & by
appointment, & his brother
had killed himself. i was
back in town to give a
talk at my old school, a few
months after david died.
douglas had tipped me off
& so i sought mark out.
my parents had attended
a meeting of suicide
survivors, that is the
tortured, oxymoronic
nomenclature for the
people left behind,
but only once. i had not
even considered it, could
not see any point, knew
or imagined i knew exactly
what it would be like,
everybody sitting in a
circle telling each other
it wasnât their fault &
admitting that they were
angry, or werenât angry
anymore. but mark was
weird & wise, smelled like
loose tobacco & the must
of ages, bought & sold rare
books, & when i had once
asked him what he liked
to read he said memoirs by
pre-twentieth-century
schizophrenics, written
before the existence
of the word, the diagnosis,
any understanding of the
affliction. books by people
who had no idea what
the fuck was happening
to them, whose terrors had
no names or the wrong
names, were blamed on demons
& treated with bloodletting,
who wrote out of desperation,
hoping it might save their lives.
so i told mark & he told me.
it turned out to be not one but
both his brothers. maybe
a parent too, i am ashamed
to say i canât remember.
mark said he understood it,
that his brothersâ decisions held
no mystery for him. suicide,
to his way of thinking, seemed
almost an inevitability,
something you got around to
sooner or later, when you had
no fight left in you & the time
was right. i bought some
reggae forty-fives & left
thinking my god, the only thing
worse than not understanding
would be to understand,
to know it like the night
knows darkness.
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