How I Learned to Live With Panic by Claire Eastham

Author:Claire Eastham [Eastham, Claire]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781529196351
Publisher: Random House
Published: 2022-05-05T00:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER 7

Who’s Flying this Plane? Airports and Travel

The first time that Grandma Eastham went abroad on holiday (rather than somewhere in the UK) was a disaster. It was the early nineties, and she and Grandad booked a week in Spain. Up until that year, Grandma had travelled exclusively by coach, or whatever old banger my grandad had managed to acquire on the cheap. A favourite family story being when such an old banger caught fire on the way back from their holiday in Weymouth and Grandad had to put it out with a two-litre bottle of lemonade, as Grandma sat on the side of the motorway, eating custard creams and shouting abuse at him.

The night before they flew, she didn’t sleep at all, sitting instead on the front steps of the house, rocking back and forth and chain-smoking cigarettes. ‘I’m going to die tomorrow,’ she thought, ‘I’m actually going to die.’ God knows how they got her to the airport and through check-in. Still, when finally persuaded to board the plane, she was outraged when Grandad fastened his own seatbelt before hers, in her mind definitive proof that after forty years of marriage, he didn’t care about her. She refused to speak to him for three days, which I suspect the man was secretly pleased about!

Things went from bad to batshit very quickly. After take-off she began shouting at fellow passengers who got out of their seats to use the toilet. ‘Sit down!’ she yelled, fearing they’d rock the plane and make it fall out of the sky. She refused to eat, drink, or do a crossword, and instead just sat hyperventilating and gripping her seat. I like to think that Grandad tried to comfort her at some point, but then knowing my grandma, she’d have probably torn a strip off him for even breathing.

Eventually, a thoughtful air steward brought one of the pilots over to try and calm her nerves.

The conversation went something like this:

Air steward: Mrs Eastham, everything is fine. I’ve brought Mr Shaw to talk to you.

Grandma: Why is that helpful? Who is he?

Mr Shaw: I’m the pilot, madam.

Grandma: Oh my god, if you’re the pilot, who’s flying the sodding plane?!!

Download

Copyright Disclaimer:
This site does not store any files on its server. We only index and link to content provided by other sites. Please contact the content providers to delete copyright contents if any and email us, we'll remove relevant links or contents immediately.