Hell No to Hmmm, Maybe by Carolyn Klassen

Author:Carolyn Klassen [Klassen, Carolyn]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781775175186
Published: 2019-11-19T05:00:00+00:00

13

I might cry

There is something about our culture that has people feel that crying in front of others should not happen. Typically, when someone feels the urge to cry when someone else is around, they seek to stifle the feeling. A person feels the lump at the back of their throat, or senses tears at the back of their eyes and the automatic feeling is to push it down. Maybe that person distracts themselves by changing the topic either in their head or out loud, or by forcing themselves to switch from that which triggers tears to something that is lighter or more neutral.

Then, if that the person is unsuccessful, if a person’s eyes fill with tears that threaten to spill over despite their best efforts, what happens next?

Yes, you guessed it—the apology. Almost immediately people express an apology for crying.

A person, starting to cry in the presence of others, almost always says: “I’m sorry”, as if they have made a mistake with crying. It is as though the tears are offensive and hurtful to the other. As if crying is wrong.

Many people avoid crying even when they are by themselves. Even when there is no one to watch, they stand in judgement of themselves. Somehow, many view crying as a flaw, or a weakness and something to avoid. Crying is somehow seen as frightening. It is as though the act of crying will somehow create cracks in a person’s wellbeing and create mental instability.

If the world sees crying as so dysfunctional, I can understand why people wouldn’t want to go to therapy.

Fear of tears is one reason people avoid counseling. A person often has an inherent awareness that once they allow themselves to go to internal places long ignored, the tears will materialize. Clients let themselves acknowledge the pain of hurts long ago—of schoolyard bullying, the judgement of a parent, or moving away from childhood security. When, at last, a person give voice to the sadness that is otherwise pushed down every other minute of every other day, tears are freed to emerge. Somehow saying it out loud heightens their impact. When you talk about what’s inside, it’s as though you give it permission to be. When you name an emotion, it is a gift to the part of you feeling that emotion. The act of naming a feeling often gives that emotion permission to be more felt.

It is not uncommon, even in the first 5 minutes of the first therapy session, as I acknowledge and honor the courage of the client sitting across to me, that chins wobble. As I let people know that doing the difficult work of showing up to name and process something in their life that isn’t working is admirable and courageous, their eyes get red. If the light is just right, I can see the extra glistening in their eyes of tears collecting at their bottom lid.

Immediately, I can see the steely-faced efforts to make the face to stop the chin wobble and put the tear ducts on ice.

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