Heart on My Sleeve by Jeanne Beker

Author:Jeanne Beker
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Simon & Schuster
Published: 2024-10-08T00:00:00+00:00

Gone Fishing

I’ve always been a big fan of fishnet hose. I first started wearing them in the sixties. Back then I always went for white ones because light-colored, textured hosiery was very mod and on trend. But by the time the eighties rolled around, hosiery trends had changed, and the playful vamp in me developed a penchant for dark fishnet stockings.

Beyond fashion, black fishnets spoke of glam and daring. Anytime I wanted to make a bit of a sexy statement, I’d brazenly don a pair of black fishnets to give my outfit a bit of oomph. That’s exactly what I did one night when I was slated to attend the McMichael Gallery’s Moonlight Gala in 2015, an event that I was dreading. But by donning my fishnets, I changed everything.

By this point, I was sixty-three. I’d been married twice and divorced twice. I’d been in and out of a few relationships, and I just hadn’t managed to find “the one”—a soulmate who was right for me. Meanwhile, my mum was ninety-four and totally obsessed with me finding somebody to share my life with.

“Jeanne, it’s not good to be alone,” she constantly reminded me. “Why can’t you find somebody?”

“Mum, it’s not that simple,” I’d repeat to her for the five millionth time. “I’d love to be in a relationship as much as you’d love it for me, but it’s hard meeting the right guy.”

She’d shake her head then as if nothing made sense. There was no explaining to her that at my age—at any age, for that matter—it wasn’t exactly easy to find a match.

Sometimes, instead of talking to me directly about my matelessness, she’d talk to others around me, pretending I wasn’t there. “I just can’t understand why Jeanne can’t find a guy,” she would lament to her caregiver on the way home from dinner at my house every Friday night. “I feel like I have to hang on until she finds someone,” she’d say with a big sigh.

“Mum, you know I can hear you, right?” I’d tell her, but it was as if I hadn’t spoken.

By this point in my mother’s long life, her health was failing. In many ways, she felt ready to go—to leave this world for whatever waited beyond. But the fact that I was on my own was so worrisome to her—and it worried me, too, because I knew she was hanging on for me. She used to pray every day that I’d find a partner, always adding that she needed this to happen sooner rather than later.

As for my feelings on the matter, I was at a stage in my life where I felt okay being by myself. I had a pretty fabulous life, single though I was. Why should I stress about being alone, maybe even for the rest of my life? Was that really so bad? I was happy, financially stable, and fulfilled… Still, my life philosophy was always to maintain an open mind and an open heart. So, that’s what I did.

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