Has Anyone Seen My Sex Life?: An absolutely hilarious, laugh out loud page turner by Kristen Bailey

Author:Kristen Bailey [Bailey, Kristen]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781838882358
Publisher: Bookouture
Published: 2020-02-14T00:00:00+00:00

Eleven

‘So, what happened?’

‘I went to the wedding with him and it was kind of fun. I learned how to bhangra.’

It’s Sunday morning and I’m on a Facetime call with Emma after she went on a date with Jag; he who accompanied her six hours up the motorway after I fell tit over arse over ankle. Last night, she was his plus one at a family wedding which she was hesitant about, but she got to wear a sari at The Dorchester which pales in comparison to my usual date nights eating takeaway in my front room.

‘Kind of fun?’

‘His ex-girlfriend was there… I just… I don’t know if I need that drama.’

There is something she’s not telling me but I don’t want to drag it out whilst a screen separates us.

‘And did you sleep with him?’

‘No,’ she says hesitantly. ‘But he introduced me to all his aunties who were very impressed that I’m a doctor. Turns out the man can dance too. Si never danced.’

I smile at her. She’s doing a classic Emma-swerve so I won’t dig for information but she also needs to stop the comparisons and throwing Simon into every conversation.

‘Why am I still hearing that berk’s name?’

‘Because he was my husband for ten years.’

We look at each other through our relative electronic devices. She still smarts from it all, he’s still part of the fabric, which is why it’s important to give her that sisterly dose of home truth and unravel her from his clutches. She needs to leave him behind, to go to weddings, to dance, to live again.

‘Anyway, you told me not to sleep with anyone until I got myself tested after Stu…’

I retch a little. ‘YES! Do! I don’t even let him use our bath towels and I let the dog use them.’

She laughs. ‘Is he about? Can I say hello?’

I stick my middle finger up at her. ‘No, you can’t. He’s taken the girls out with the grandparents to some farm fair thing.’

‘That’s nice. Tell him I said hello.’

‘I will not.’

‘He did me a favour, you know? I think I needed to have some sex and feel wanted like that. He wasn’t terrible.’

I put my hands over my ears like earmuffs. She laughs and changes the subject.

‘And that whole Mintcake thing, is that sorted?’

‘He’s a Captain I’ll have you know.’

I pause for a moment. There is extra information to tell Emma – she doesn’t know about this wild witch hunt that has been started by the Wezzie. But now doesn’t feel like the right time especially when Danny and I are still processing the information ourselves. I am still urging him to consider the money, to go forth and take advantage of things. He wants anonymity. He didn’t do this for fame and fortune. It’s a bone of contention and I don’t want to start dragging other people’s opinions into it.

‘He’s doing his thing. He’s upstairs drawing as we speak while I pair socks. It’s all glamour here.’

She pauses. She knows I’m lying but doesn’t pry.

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