From the Diary of a Psychologist : A Guide to well Being by Dr.Asha Dinesh

Author:Dr.Asha Dinesh
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Notion Press
Published: 2019-01-10T18:30:00+00:00

Here And Now

During heated conversations, or to be precise, during arguments, we observe volatile outbursts from both the parties due to issues that have passed by. Both parties rake up issues of the past, and due to that, the very conversation becomes a blame cycle. Such blame cycles are endless. In those circumstances, the current issue, for which a solution has to be found would suffer because the past-blame cycle becomes very vicious and hard to handle. It becomes self-perpetuating, and the other person is also pulled into the cycle. Instead of such arguments, trekking back to the past, if both parties decide and discuss only the current issue, a worthy solution can be procured.

On the contrary, if even one of the two talks about the past, bigger controversies would occur between both and the very purpose of dialogue, to solve the current issue, would be defeated. Mutually blaming one and other about the past leads to character criticism from both the parties. And we tend to generalize and end up making judgments about the person.

Out mind is trained to think and communicate in terms of what is right and what is wrong with people. When we do this, we end up becoming judgmental and evaluative. This reaction is habitual.

Our initial response to a conflicting situation is more primitive and emotional. That is, we either attack in the form of judgment or we try to sulk. Many times, this habitual and automatic response causes a lot of guilt later. Here, to be conscious about our reactions and wait until we are able to operate with a rational response is very crucial. When we are emotional, our mind is readily able to locate critical and blaming scenarios from the past. Here, we tend to choose words which are more evaluative than factual. In this state of mind, a person generally complains rather than ask for what he needs.

HERE AND NOW communication is a healthy approach to a relationship. It assures greater authenticity, increased understanding, deep connection, and better conflict resolution. It emphasizes, consciously staying in the present and being focused on the issues. This approach shares power with others rather than use it to suppress someone. Here, the communication is clear, empathetic, and in the present.

Here, the needs are clearly specified without being demanding, critical, or judgmental. The emphasis is on consciously staying in the present. It focuses on observations which are specific to time, place, and context. The needs are clearly specified. For example, you never spend time with me. Now, this statement has an element of generalization and is more likely to evoke a defensive reaction. In this statement, the need is not specified clearly. The alternative will be I want you to spend time with me more often. Here, the need is clear, and the context is in the present.

A mother is telling the kid that he is wasting a lot of time watching TV If she opts to quote the immediate facts, hinting to the kid, that he or she has been viewing TV from 11.

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