Float like a Butterfly, Drink Mint Tea by Alex Wood

Author:Alex Wood
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Arsenal Pulp Press
Published: 2021-10-15T00:00:00+00:00

chapter 10

nail biting

I’m well aware that, on the surface, quitting biting my nails seems like it pales in comparison to quitting drinking and drugs. Nobody has ever gotten pregnant from biting their nails, and if they did, they really needed to wash their hands more thoroughly. I’ve never heard of someone—after biting their tenth nail off the cuticle—finding the confidence to fight a cop. Neil Young didn’t sing about the nail and the damage done. However, nail biting is clinically recognized by the American Psychiatric Association in the Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders as a behaviour under the umbrella of obsessive-compulsive disorder.

Nail biting is my longest-standing vice. Ever since I was able to open my mouth, I’ve put my fingers in there—which almost saw me name this book Filters and Fingers: My Life in Oral Fixations. Orders to “Stop biting your nails” from aunts/teachers/partners/strangers on the bus have persisted for my entire life. I’ve always wanted to stop, but truth be told, I usually only make it two weeks—until they’re fully grown. And then I feel pathologically compelled to chew them again. It is debilitating in social situations. Try chewing your nails in public and not have it look like you’re contemplating where to hide the severed head you have lying around at home. I’m constantly self-consciously trying to avoid showing my fingernails to anyone. It’s like I’m a horrible magician. “Now, for my next trick—watch me make a phone call with my knuckles!”

I also realize how unhealthy it is. I live in one of the biggest cities in North America, with a subway system that has more than a million daily passengers, yet I’ll touch a pole and then bite my nails a few seconds after. If there’s ever a pandemic, I’ll be a zombie before Brad Pitt can even look into the camera and say, “It’s gone global” (I wrote this line in September 2019; I’m so sorry if it awakened an ancient curse).

By now I was able to recognize my triggers to use drugs and alcohol, so I applied that to this bad habit. I noticed right away that a major trigger for nail biting was being hungry. Apparently, I prefer my food al dente. Feeling anxious is what is most commonly associated with biting one’s nails, and I definitely recognized that trigger in myself.

But most disturbing of all was the impulse to hurt myself. Apologies again to the squeamish, but I like peeling back the nail when I take almost all of it off and it actually produces blood. The biggest similarity between nail biting and substance abuse for me was knowing how much it would hurt later, how much I’d regret doing it, how bad it was for me, wishing I could quit, and still doing it anyway.

One of the people who runs the comedy show where Nora and I first started talking is a sweet and funny guy named Joel. He’s a fellow nail-biter, so I sat down with him to record the tenth episode of my podcast.

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