Every Boy I Ever Kissed by Nellwyn Lampert

Author:Nellwyn Lampert
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Dundurn
Published: 2019-07-26T16:00:00+00:00

Nate and I kept dating, and I kept hoping to feel something, anything, different than what I felt. He invited me over to his place where he had made beautifully roasted chicken thighs for us to share for dinner, but I’d already eaten before leaving the house. I couldn’t eat in front of guys back then, my throat closed up and my stomach turned at the thought of food, or rather at the thought of a man watching, cataloguing, and categorizing the food I put in my mouth. Nate looked disappointed when I told him I’d already eaten, and he refused to eat without me even though I encouraged him, knowing he must have been hungry.

We were in his bedroom this time when I felt myself pulling away again. Every time things started to go a little further, I moved away. I knew I was hurting him and confusing him, but my body felt out of my control. No matter how much I wanted to want him, I couldn’t bring myself to have sex with him when I didn’t feel anything. Not only did I feel neutral toward him romantically, my body kept actively pulling me away, like it had some kind of aversion to this beautiful boy whom I cared about and whom I thought cared about me. Finally, I stood up and left, looking away from the confusion and hurt in his eyes. Confusion and hurt that didn’t want to push me, that was respectful of my feelings and my boundaries, but that showed me he really didn’t understand.

Neither did I.

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