Emotionally Focused Couple Therapy For Dummies by Brent Bradley

Author:Brent Bradley
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Wiley
Published: 2013-06-20T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 10

Facing Fears and Finding Each Other

In This Chapter

Resisting your tendency to withdraw

Holding back from pursuing by sharing your fears with your partner

Michael rarely acknowledged his own primary emotions (see Chapter 4), much less his fear and need for intimacy with Diane. Somehow over the years, they’d grown apart emotionally. Work and kids demanded that they keep things going, take care of business. But, like many couples, they’d come to a point in which one partner (in this case, Diane) started to step out of the daily grind and take a relationship inventory of sorts. Diane had been doing this for about two years when they came in for therapy. “I’m 30 now,” she said. “I’m a mom and a professional. I love my husband with all my heart. I don’t want another man — I want him. But something needs to change because we just aren’t close enough. Something’s missing.”

As she shared more, one of your authors, Brent, felt a kind of sadness well up inside. As therapists, we listen to our inner feelings for guidance in listening to and understanding others — in much the same way you and your partner are learning to do in your relationship.

“You seem tired as you say that,” Brent said to Diane.

“I am very tired,” Diane said, slowing down her speaking pace.

Brent felt a sense of isolation. “I can’t help but wonder if you feel lonely,” he said.

“I am very lonely,” Diane said, her eyes watering. We spent a little time mining her sadness for clarity. Then Brent turned to Michael.

“Michael,” Brent said. “What’s it like to hear about your wife’s loneliness right now?”

“It’s hard,” Michael said. “I don’t want her to feel alone. It makes me sad. I feel alone, too.”

Many couples come to a place in which they feel lonely, much like Diane and Michael. They don’t want to go anywhere; they just realize that something is missing. Do you ever feel this in your relationship? Maybe you long to be closer to your partner. Rather than just accept the status quo, many couples, like Michael and Diane, come to therapy because they want more. You probably have this in common with them — otherwise, you wouldn’t be reading this book!

In this chapter, you discover how to face your fears, crystallize your intimate relationship needs, and find each other as allies, not enemies. We help those who withdraw and those who pursue to not only stop the old cycle, but also begin a new and positive cycle. This process takes a measure of courage and risk, but the reward is great.

Primary emotions are there to help guide you in your intimate relationship, but also in your parenting and in your work. Your emotions can help you in all human interactions. You’re built to feel your emotions and those of others — this helps you understand and connect. It also advises you when you don’t want to connect with someone else, or when you don’t feel you can trust someone else.

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