Emotional Incest Syndrome: What to do When a Parent's Love Rules Your Life, The by Robinson Dr. Patricia Love; Jo

Author:Robinson, Dr. Patricia Love; Jo [Love, Patricia]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-307-79918-0
Publisher: Bantam
Published: 2011-06-15T04:00:00+00:00

Removing Guilt as a Barrier

to Exploring the Past

For some Chosen Children, guilt, not anxiety, keeps them from gaining a more accurate view of their childhood. This is often true of those who grew up worshiping a parent. How can they go from thinking a parent was the most wonderful mother or father on earth to seeing the parent as the source of their misery? How can they be angry at a parent who sacrificed so much for them? How can a relationship that usually felt so good be classified as bad?

A client struggling with guilt made the following comment to me: “I remember feeling profoundly guilty once for admitting to my father that I didn’t like to play tennis—his favorite sport. I couldn’t sleep that night for fear I had hurt his feelings. Now I’m supposed to acknowledge all his weaknesses? I’m supposed to see him as the cause of my problems? My anxiety is immense.”

If you feel guilty for seeing the negative side of a parent, removing this barrier will hasten your recovery. But how do you do this? It’s been my experience that learning more about the complicated psychology of guilt helps reduce its impact. In its simplest form, guilt is a painful but short-lived phenomenon designed to jolt you into awareness that your behavior is not consistent with your beliefs. It’s a voice from your conscience advising you to either (1) reexamine your beliefs or (2) alter your behavior so that the two of them line up.

Sometimes it’s your behavior that needs to change. For example, if you forget a good friend’s birthday, you may feel a pang of guilt. In this instance, your conscience is urging you to be more thoughtful of others. It’s unpleasant to feel guilty, so in the future you’ll vow to do better. At other times, it’s your belief system that needs to be revised. For instance, you may feel guilty for spending two hours Saturday morning reading the newspaper. “This is not a productive way to spend your time,” says the Calvinistic voice of your conscience. “You should be mowing the lawn or cleaning the house.” But on further analysis, you decide that you don’t mind frittering away this time. You work hard all week, and you need this time to recharge your batteries. You diminish your guilt not by changing your behavior but by substituting a new belief: it’s important to spend time relaxing.

It’s been my observation that much of the guilt of the Chosen Child is best alleviated by changing a faulty belief system. For example, many a Chosen Child feels guilty for receiving preferential treatment from a parent, which made a parent or sibling feel left out. This guilt can be traced to a faulty belief system: “I wanted to be my parent’s favorite. I got my wish. Therefore I am responsible for the pain that was caused in others.” On some level, the Chosen Child believes that he or she was in control of the family dynamics and must accept responsibility for the fate of other family members.

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