Embracing Your Inner Critic by Hal Stone

Author:Hal Stone [Stone, Hal and Stone, Sidra]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-06-211194-4
Publisher: HarperCollins US
Published: 2011-06-19T16:00:00+00:00

THREE

The Inner Critic and Relationship

Chapter Eleven

The Critic as a Relational Creature

“What will people think?” This is one of the Critic’s favorite questions. The Inner Critic, as you may have noticed, is constantly looking at others to figure out who you should be. There is no deep introversion here, no looking within to find out what is important to you as an individual human being. The Critic’s bottom-line concern is the impression that you will make upon others.

The Inner Critic is a relational creature, a truly people-oriented self. It develops out of our relationships with others. As we demonstrated in chapter 1, the Inner Critic learns a great deal from our parents, and it is ever alert to our interpersonal interactions. It seems to observe us through the eyes of the world around us and is particularly concerned about the impact that our actions have on others.

“WHAT WILL PEOPLE THINK?”

“What will people think?” is one of the Critic’s favorite questions. The Inner Critic, as you may have noticed, is constantly looking out at others to figure out who you should be. There is no deep introversion here, no looking within to find out what is important to you as an individual human being. The Critic’s bottom-line concern is the impression that you will make upon others.

Underneath it all, the Critic is usually afraid of being unloved, abandoned, and helpless. It wants to ensure that others will approve of you, love you, and be there for you when you need them. Or perhaps the Critic is not as interested in affection as it is in power and the admiration of others. It hopes that people will be attracted to you because you are powerful, interesting, or brilliant and you will never have to worry about being alone and helpless.

“What will people think?” is often what your parents asked, either aloud or by implication. They wanted you to be appropriate and to think of the consequences of your actions. This was for their sakes as well as for your own. After all, your behavior directly reflected your parents’ performance. It showed whether or not they did a good job raising you. If you are a good person or a success, you are a credit to them. If you are a bad person or a failure, they will be blamed. So you carry with you not only your own requirements for acceptance, but your parents’ feelings too. This is quite a task for your Inner Critic.

The concern with what others will think includes not only people but God as well. For those of us with a more spiritual background, it is extremely important to behave as God wishes us to. The Inner Critic takes on the task of making sure that we lead the right kind of life so that our relationship with God is a good one. It must then point out to us all the ways in which we have been falling short of this goal.

We have noticed three major reasons for wanting to lead a spiritually correct life and maintain a proper relationship to God.

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