Dating Without Fear: Overcome Social Anxiety and Connect by Thomas Smithyman PhD

Author:Thomas Smithyman PhD [Smithyman PhD, Thomas]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Windgrave Publishing
Published: 2022-05-14T04:00:00+00:00

These are very achievable standards, don’t you think? And notice how similar they are to the top 10 traits people want in a man from earlier in the chapter. Strikingly, one 2011 study found that the single biggest trait linked to positive first impressions was “extensive smiling.” (Number two and three were not having a grumpy facial expression, and having a friendly voice tone, all of which I’ve combined into a trait I call warmth.) And first impressions certainly can change. Multiple studies have shown that narcissists make a great first impression, but within a few meetings become disliked. Why? Because people get to know each other over repeated interactions, and the deeper traits people care about are hard to fake in the long-term.

At its core, the need to be impressive is a monster that emerges directly from the depths of psychological pain. From the heart of anxiety and shame, by way of our self-protection system, the deep belief is: “Who I authentically am is not good enough. I must appear better than I am in order for somebody to love me.” Everything grows out of this. If you knew you were good enough, and your goal is simply to find that percentage of people who like you, identify who is a natural fit, and take a shot with them, then how much would you feel the need to create a great impression? You would likely just present yourself authentically and discover the response. The defense of making a great impression is designed to prevent the flawed self from being seen and rejected.

So What Should We Do Instead?

After you’ve set your social goals—whether it’s talking to five people next time you go out, or consciously focusing on asking more questions of people—make sure they follow the simplicity principle. Don’t do anything fancy to reach your social goals, and don’t be anything other than what you are (unless, of course, you’re playing a bar game for fun). Aim for basic social skills and warmth. Smile, say hi, introduce yourself, show curiosity, and see what happens.

You don’t have to do everything at once. Just make a mediocre impression. Do this each time you’re in a social situation for a week or two until it becomes a habit. Then you’ll start getting natural reinforcement and feedback. Make a mediocre impression both online and in-person and see what happens. Does everyone hate you? Maybe you find that people actually like you more. Don’t take my word for it, test it out yourself. See how your life changes.

Next, identify what your implicit performance goals are. These are usually very high, idealized images of how you wish to come across. Look for things like: “I must appear…”

Witty

Intelligent

Confident

Cool

Anxiety-free

Funny

Charismatic

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