Crazy for You by Kerry Cohen

Author:Kerry Cohen [Cohen, Kerry]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Hachette Books
Published: 2021-09-21T00:00:00+00:00

Accurate Emotions

Once we are able to recognize the feeling of our emotional wound, we need to learn more about what emotions make sense based on the situation at hand. SLAs are rarely good at knowing emotions beyond their wound-based feelings, so it’s probably useful to take some time to get to know and understand emotions and their nuances. The Center for Nonviolent Communication provides a “Feelings Inventory” to help identify common emotions. The inventory includes one list of common feelings when your needs are satisfied and another of common feelings when your needs aren’t satisfied.1 For our purposes, I’ve included the second list here.

AFRAID

apprehensive

dread

foreboding

frightened

mistrustful

panicked

petrified

scared

suspicious

terrified

wary

worried

ANGRY

enraged

furious

incensed

indignant

irate

livid

outraged

resentful

ANNOYED

aggravated

disgruntled

dismayed

displeased

exasperated

frustrated

impatient

irked

irritated

AVERSION

animosity

appalled

contempt

disgusted

dislike

hate

horrified

hostile

repulsed

CONFUSED

ambivalent

baffled

bewildered

dazed

hesitant

lost

mystified

perplexed

puzzled

torn

DISCONNECTED

alienated

aloof

apathetic

bored

cold

detached

distant

distracted

indifferent

numb

removed

uninterested

withdrawn

DISQUIET

agitated

alarmed

discombobulated

disconcerted

disturbed

perturbed

rattled

restless

shocked

startled

surprised

troubled

turbulent

turmoil

uncomfortable

uneasy

unnerved

unsettled

upset

EMBARRASSED

ashamed

chagrined

flustered

guilty

mortified

self-conscious

FATIGUE

beat

burnt out

depleted

exhausted

lethargic

listless

sleepy

tired

weary

worn out

PAIN

agony

anguished

bereaved

devastated

grief

heartbroken

hurt

lonely

miserable

regretful

remorseful

SAD

depressed

dejected

despair

despondent

disappointed

discouraged

disheartened

forlorn

gloomy

heavy hearted

hopeless

melancholy

unhappy

wretched

TENSE

anxious

cranky

distraught

distressed

edgy

fidgety

frazzled

irritable

jittery

nervous

overwhelmed

restless

stressed out

VULNERABLE

fragile

guarded

helpless

insecure

leery

reserved

sensitive

shaky

YEARNING

envious

jealous

longing

nostalgic

pining

wistful

© 2005 by Center for Nonviolent Communication

Website: www.cnvc.org Email: [email protected]

Phone: +1.505.244.4041

The Feelings Inventory is useful in helping to identify and address accurate feelings in the moment. As we separate our wound-based feeling from the accurate feeling, we begin to respond in appropriate ways to various situations.

• When Amy cares for the wound-based feeling of not being good enough, she is able to determine that the more accurate emotions are scared and worried. She’s scared of Tahir leaving her. When Tahir talks to other women, Amy actually feels insecure. When she shares this feeling with Tahir instead of the anger she expressed before, Tahir is more open to hearing her feelings.

• Once Jack understands that the disconnection he feels from his wife triggers a wound-based feeling of worthlessness, he is able to identify the accurate emotions as alienated and hopeless. He uses this knowledge to make choices about what to do to feel better. Spending time with friends will make him feel less alienated, and doing something active like playing golf pulls him away from hopelessness.

• Jonathan learns to care for the ways his upbringing made him feel worthless. He finds that more often than not, he simply feels disheartened when men aren’t interested in him. And if they express some interest but not a lot, he feels insecure about what will happen. He becomes less reactive to men’s responses to him, which allows for more possibilities for fulfilling relationships.

In all three of the examples, the SLAs learned to respond with accurate emotions in situations that trigger their emotional wounds. By doing so, Amy allows Tahir to care about her fears. Jack might share his feelings with his wife. Jonathan can simply sit with the normal feelings that come up during dating rather than pushing away every man he likes. The key is that when we aren’t inside the very painful implicit memory of our wound and are able to stay in reality, we can feel discomfort rather than feel as though our survival is at risk. This is the difference between being lost inside the fantasy of what is happening and lifting the fog that comes with sex and love addiction.

REFLECTION

Notice Your Feelings

Emotions are felt often as physiological events. Here is an exercise to help you find emotions by simply noticing the feelings in your body.

Sit in a comfortable position. Close your eyes and focus on your breathing.

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