Cognitive and Rational-Emotive Behavior Therapy with Couples by Ann Vernon

Author:Ann Vernon
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Springer New York, New York, NY

Differences Between Heterosexual and Same-Sex Relationships

One of the key differences between straight and same-sex relationships regards socially conditioned gender-related sex roles. Individuals in heterosexual relationships usually behave in ways consistent with stereotypic traditional sex-roles, which is not the case with same-sex relationships (Shively & DeCecco, 1977). Same-sex couples usually do not take on traditionally male or female roles. This dispels the myth that one partner takes on more of the male role and the other assumes more of the female roles. This may be confusing, as in some relationships one partner may be more overtly masculine or feminine in their presentation. For example, many lesbians identify with being somewhere on the “butch/femme” continuum, but this does not mean that one takes on the role of the male and the other the female.

It surprises some that another difference is that same-sex couples appear to have better conflict resolution mechanisms than heterosexual couples. In the face of adversity, same-sex couples are often more likely to use humor and affection. Gay partners tend to show less frequent use of the demand/withdraw pattern and more positive communication.

Another difference is that same-sex couples usually do not have role models in their personal lives or in the media regarding being in a relationship. This often results in same-sex couples having to “make it up as they go along” as they also do not have elders in their families who can advise or empathize with them about their relationship as do heterosexuals. While this provides certain freedoms, it also means they are limited in the opportunities for feedback, which may lead same-sex couples to believe that their issues are the result of the fact they are same-sex-attracted rather than simply the issue regardless of being same-sex attracted.

One of the beliefs that is often present as part of general internalized homophobia is that gay and lesbian relationships are not as valid, valuable, or healthy, and do not last as long as straight relationships. Clients have often stated that one of the first things their parents said when first coming out was “We just don’t want you to be old and lonely,” inferring that gay relationships are not enduring. When the belief exists that all gay relationships are short term and it not identified, it can have the effect of a self fulfilling prophecy which can result in terminating relationships prematurely due to the belief that it wasn’t going to last anyway. This is also a belief which is often actively reinforced in gay male subcultures. An example is the well known joke that when a gay man says that he has been with his partner for 1 year, other gay people laugh and often say “Congratulations—that is 7 gay years.”

A source of considerable stress to same-sex couples can be the exclusion from the social, economic, health, and psychological benefits of marriage. This can prevent couples from experiencing the sense of belonging to a kinship network which includes having mother/father/brother and sister-in-laws. It also leads to a further stigmatization and can reinforce prejudice against them (Badgett, 2009).

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