Can I Tell You About Self-Harm? by Pooky Knightsmith

Author:Pooky Knightsmith
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781784507961
Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers
Published: 2017-12-31T00:00:00+00:00

“When I first started hurting myself, I just did it occasionally but, over time, I found myself turning to it more and more as a means of coping with my feelings. It can quickly become a cycle that is hard to break.

For me, the cycle of self-harm would start with my head getting filled with big feelings of guilt and shame; I didn’t know any healthy ways of managing those feelings so I’d end up feeling totally unable to cope. I’d be like a pan of milk sitting on the hob, I’d be simmering away until suddenly it became too much and my feelings would suddenly boil over, just like hot milk. That boiling over is a crisis moment and that’s when I’d hurt myself.

For a little while I would feel better, I’d get a sense of relief – but it never lasted long. As my feelings died down and I was faced with what I’d done to myself, again, I’d feel a mix of different feelings like regret, guilt and shame. I’d think about how I was letting everyone down and how other people seemed much more able to manage their feelings, so why couldn’t I? These thoughts and feelings would pile on top of the original feelings – so, in fact, hurting myself made things worse not better – but I still didn’t have another way of coping and so I’d end up hurting myself again, because it was the only way I knew how to feel better for a little while.

With the help of my counsellor, I learned that to break the cycle, I needed to make changes to my life that meant that I didn’t experience the feelings that drove me to self-harm. That was possible with some things – for example I stopped using some social media apps I was getting bullied on. But it was harder with other things – homework still had to be done and exams came around. My counsellor taught me that I could also break the cycle by changing the way I coped – so instead of hurting myself, which is an unhealthy coping mechanism, I gradually learned new healthier ways of coping. Finally, I’m learning that by beginning to understand and manage my emotions better, I don’t so often reach crisis point, so I’m hurting myself less often – my milk pan doesn’t boil over as much!”

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