Black Nerd Problems: Essays by William Evans & Omar Holmon

Author:William Evans & Omar Holmon [Evans, William & Holmon, Omar]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Humor, Topic, Cultural; Ethnic & Regional, Biography & Autobiography, African American & Black, Form, essays, General, Parodies
ISBN: 9781982150259
Google: YPoDEAAAQBAJ
Publisher: Simon and Schuster
Published: 2021-09-14T23:19:31.075953+00:00

THERE COMES THAT point when I am watching a scary movie (having been forced to) where the suspension of disbelief just straight up shuts down. I hate how Black folk get axed in horror movies by doing out-of-culture shit. Neither I nor any of my peers—dare I say, any Black person—ever gone to investigate a strange noise heard in the distance while outside. Yet, Black folk still die first in the horror movies. Or they die as fodder for the white characters to get away. What the fuck?! How, yo? If Black people got more accurate portrayals in horror movies, those movies would be over in minutes. The monster or killer wouldn’t even happen to cross paths with the Black folk in horror movies. I’m not saying we’re better survivors, I’m just… Actually, yeah, that’s exactly what I’m saying. Maybe it’s just me, but I see plotlines going way differently when facing off against some of the horror icons. I’ll take the forefront with how I would handle these certain horror villains and thriller situations.

Let’s start with one of the biggest horror icons in the game, Freddy Krueger from A Nightmare on Elm Street. Freddy got the claw hand thing going and he mostly merks folks in their dreams. Cats would usually try to stay awake in order to avoid Freddy, but when that fails, they’re stuck in a nightmare where he is in control. That does seem scary, but there’s a reason Freddy’s ass kept that shit in the burbs. He wouldn’t be trying to get in Omar Little from The Wire’s dreams.

Freddy should know better than that—all I’m saying is, he tries going in a Black dude’s head? He getting jumped. Early. Timberland boots contouring his face on sight, and immediately after that me and my whole squad are gon’ roast him for what he’s wearing. “Look at your fit, boy! Look at his watered-down Fruit Roll Up–looking-ass Where’s Waldo sweater, doe! This dude out here with beef jerky skin thinking he gon’ scare somebody?” Freddy wouldn’t even be able to handle the fucking jokes being snapped on ’em at damn near light speed. There’s nothing to protect Freddy once a brother gets in his Toph earthbending roast stance with the hand at an acute forty-five-degree angle.

Also, what Freddy gonna do in a Black woman’s dreams? Not a damn thing! He’ll get crushed by the tempered glass ceiling they face. Oh, it ain’t a problem for them since they gotta punch through that shit daily, but Freddy can’t. Freddy Krueger ain’t winning a fight against any sister in her dreams, period. The man’s already bald but would get snatched bald again somehow. Freddy never been in a dream where the white privilege is working against him. I would have loved seeing Freddy try to come up in my mom’s dreams. He’d be doing the dishes, taking out trash, filing her taxes, and using his knife gloves to do mani-pedis QUICK! I’m not hearing it with you, Fred.

Let’s talk about the other horror movie MVP, Jason Voorhees from Friday the 13th.

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