Ain't That a Kick in the Head by Nigel Bird

Author:Nigel Bird
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Down & Out Books

Tuesday, November 4: Out and About

All those years sitting behind the desk had taken their toll on Sergeant Ben Draper. Even his lunch time walk was a struggle for him these days. He wouldn’t have bothered at all, only his wife kept badgering him about losing weight and the doctor was the same. No point getting to retirement and dying of diabetes because he couldn’t be bothered to make the effort.

He pushed the final corner of his second Greggs steak bake into his mouth, chewed a couple of times and swallowed. Two were never enough to satisfy his hunger, but the thought of standing on the scales and watching the disappointment spread over Jean’s face made him strong and he’d resisted purchasing a sausage roll and a pack of Belgian buns. To take their place, he produced an apple from his pocket and took a bite. It was soft and had all the flavour of a glass of water. Instead of finishing it, he chucked what was left into the bin and kept on walking.

His mind clicked through its usual gears. First it wondered what was for tea. He remembered it was a Tuesday and perked up because Tuesdays meant fish, chips, mushy peas and gravy from the takeaway around the corner. Next he counted the days to his week in Spain. There were seventeen left before he got on the plane and wished the station adios for a fortnight. And finally he fell into his favourite subject, that of retirement. In eleven months he would be fifty years old. Because he’d joined the force at the age of eighteen after a failed stint as an apprentice butcher, he already had his thirty years’ service under his belt, which meant he was one of the lucky ones. Eleven months was nothing. He could do that blindfolded and with his hands tied behind his back, which was a big part of the problem. Every day was the same. There was nothing he hadn’t seen before and the routines were sucking what was left of his positive energy from his soul at an alarming rate.

It used to cheer him up to picture the day when it would all be over. The endless mornings of sleep undisturbed by his alarm. The money appearing in his bank every month as if by magic. Only since his last birthday, he’d been wondering whether leaving the job was such a good thing. If he wasn’t sitting at the desk, he’d be sitting with Jean. They got on well enough, but they didn’t have much to talk about and, if she kept on with the dieting thing, he wouldn’t even be able to sneak out to get himself a decent lunch. The prospect of entering the autumn of his life and having to endure endless salads and homemade soups was starting to make him anxious about the whole retirement experience.

He turned the corner into Lauderdale Park and was greeted by an enthusiastic Pomeranian dog that was all brown fluff and yapping tongue.

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