A Very F***ed-Up Christmas Tale by J.A. Kazimer

Author:J.A. Kazimer
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Tags: christmas, fairytale, miss muffet, fairytale adaptation, fairytale humor, a christmas carol remake

Chapter 6

Muffet smacked the back of the little ghost pig who sat at the bar chowing down on the ghosts of pork rinds of many, many years past.

“What the hell? Why did you bring me here?”

He spun around, sucking in sharply. Then he grabbed at his throat and his face rapidly turned from piggy pink to blue.

“Are you all right?” she asked when his piggy eyes began to bulge.

When no sound emerged from his mouth, Muffet threw her arms around him, giving him the Heimlich.

Or trying to.

Each time her arms wrapped around his body and she jerked up, her hands went right through him. Again and again the same thing happened.

Finally, arms trembling, Muffet could do nothing more than watch as the little ghost piggy went wee, wee, wee all over the floor, and then expired on the spot.

Not that anyone but Muffet could see him. Strippers walked through his corpse on their way to entertain a group of dwarves in the corner that sang “Hi Ho” to every woman who passed.

Muffet stood there in her saddle shoes, unsure of what she’d done in a previous life for this to be her current one. “Unbelievable. What sort of idiot chokes on a pork rind?”

“Hey, it happens,” a voice said from behind her.

She took a long, deep breath before turning around, not surprised to see another little ghost piggy. This one was dressed in overalls with large brown stains on the front. He stood with his hoofs clenched together.

She said, “House made of sticks, I take it.”

The pig’s face curled up. “Do I look poor to you?”

She shrugged, not wanting to offend him. Although in his stained overalls, he didn’t look exactly well off.

“If you must know,” he said, “I expired after eating expired roast beef.”

“Right. Wrong set of little pigs.” She gave him a half smile. “So you’re here to show me what, exactly? Maybe that my house has termites? Or I have IBS?”

“Your house does have termites. You should get that looked at before some wolf comes along and blows it to shit. Trust me. It happened to a cousin of mine…”

“Great.”

He smiled, a porky grin. “I’m joking. Seriously, though, I do have something to show you. Follow me.”

He turned around, stepped over the dead ghost piggy on the floor, and headed out the door.

Muffet closed her eyes, cursing whoever or whatever was fucking with her this way.

Then she followed the little piggy who’d eaten bad roast beef into the darkness beyond the neon peepshow light.

The little piggy’s corkscrew tail twitched once, and then again.

#

Suddenly the darkness she’d stepped into only moments before faded, revealing a stunningly bright scene. Christmas lights filled a living room, as did a bunch of people in the ugliest sweaters she’d ever seen. A fire roared in the fireplace, sending off so much heat Muffet worried the piggy might turn into a pork rind.

“Joy to the World…”

Muffet groaned as everyone in the brightly decorated room joined in.

“The Lord is come…”

“Kill me now,” she said. “I can’t take it.

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