A Pair of Nuts on the Throne by Simon Haynes

Author:Simon Haynes [Haynes,Simon]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: fantasy, comedy, humour, parody
Publisher: Bowman Press
Published: 2018-10-14T16:00:00+00:00

Chapter 17

Berry sighted along the gun at the Methusian officer, ready to fire at the slightest provocation. He had no idea what the hated enemy was doing here, but clearly they'd made landfall, and his first thought was for his ship. "Dallow, out here and have your gun at the ready! 'Ware Methusians!"

Dallow clambered down, his pistol covering the enemy officer and the man standing beside him. His face was still pale from the carriage journey, the unnatural swaying motion having turned his stomach, but his hand was steady and there was a determined look in his eye.

"Name and rank," said Berry. "And then you can tell me what you're doing here."

"Captain Borosin," said the Methusian. "As for what I'm doing here, your sailing master sent me to find you."

"Bullspit," said Berry.

"I assure you, Tinch and I came to an agreement. Please, lower your weapon so we might speak. I am unarmed, I swear."

"Have you taken my ship?" demanded Berry.

"Son, there are many problems facing your ship, but my crew is not one of them."

"He's telling the truth," said the captain's companion.

"Why should I believe you?"

"I'm not a Methusian."

"Your accent tells me this, but—"

"Look, he really was sent to rescue you. We've been negotiating with Lord Chylde here—" At this, the man turned to indicate the great and noble lord… but there was an empty space behind him, for Lord Chylde had fled. "Anyway," continued the man, "I'm Hal Spacejock, and your ship is fine. Your crew captured this guy and his people, after the dwarves tried to kill them all."

"Dwarves?"

"Yeah, that was after the sea serpent and the dragon sank the Methusian ships."

"Sea serpent? Dragon?" Berry felt a flash of anger. "What kind of fool do you take me for. I'm a Stalyan officer, not some lowly drunkard!"

"He's not lying," said Runt, as he hobbled over, clutching his groin. "The coast is infested with giant sea serpents, and we've got dragons and dwarves as well."

"The hard landing addled your brain," said Berry.

"It certainly scrambled my eggs," muttered Runt.

Berry felt a twinge of uncertainty. Everyone seemed to be speaking the truth, and if they wanted to lie to him, why invent such tall tales? "You. Captain. You claim you're here to rescue me?"

"Indeed."

"Well, here I am. Let us depart."

Borosin looked over his shoulder, but there was no sign of Lord Chylde or the guards. "Suits me. I have ten men at the city gates, but—"

"Yes, as we rode past I saw them enjoying the shade like dullards."

"Well, they will not be enough if these people decide to stop us."

"Then we leave now."

"In the carriage?" said Borosin, with a glance at the device.

"You have got to be fudding joking," muttered Berry, and they all left the square on foot. Borosin and Hal took the lead, while Berry and Dallow followed with their pistols in hand. Runt came last, wincing with every step.

At the gates they met two guards, who briefly stood in their way before thinking better of it. Then they were through the big archway, and Borosin went to greet the rest of the party.

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