A Funny Life by Michael McIntyre

Author:Michael McIntyre
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Pan Macmillan UK

12

With my profile rising, Addison went into overdrive, firstly hiring a publicist for me. Addison worried a lot about the press and the power they wield. He had just been through a nightmare with Jonathan Ross and wanted his clients to have the best protection. His escalating fear of the press during the Sachsgate scandal did lead to a funny story, when his lovely wife Shelley, ‘Shell’ as he called her, started using the fashion website Net-a-Porter that delivers designer clothes to your door. When the doorbell rang to drop off something fabulous for Shelley, Addison saw the shadow of a man behind the plate glass of his front door.

‘Hello. Who is it?’ Addison barked.

‘Net-a-Porter,’ came the reply.

‘A reporter?’ Addison said, flustered. ‘You can fuck off, get away from my house.’

‘Net-a-Porter,’ the poor chap repeated.

‘I’ve got nothing to say to any reporters. Now you better fuck off or you’ll regret it,’ Addison threatened.

‘I’ve got a purse for you,’ the Net-a-Porter delivery man said.

‘A purse?’ said Addison. ‘What is this? A fucking boxing match? I don’t want your money, I don’t take bribes. I’ve got enough money. I got nuffin to say. Now fuck off.’

Later in the day Addison opened the front door to go to his Pilates class (I know, I couldn’t believe it either, but he loved Pilates), and found a beautiful Chanel purse on the doorstep and immediately took it to his wife.

‘Shell! You won’t believe this, but a reporter has just left a Chanel purse on the doorstep. It’s quite nice as it happens,’ Addison said before Shelley explained that she had ordered the purse herself from the Net-a-Porter website.

‘Oh shit,’ said Addison. ‘You better call them and apologize. I wasn’t particularly welcoming to their driver.’

So Addison hired Gary Farrow, who he kept referring to as ‘the Legendary Gary Farrow’, to be my publicist. Addison introduced me to ‘the Legendary Gary Farrow’, who then introduced himself as ‘the Legendary Gary Farrow’, over lunch at the Japanese restaurant Roka on Charlotte Street. I thought there was only one Addison, but Gary seemed very much cut from the same cloth. His character was at least as big as the celebrities he represented, and there were some huge names among them: Elton John, George Michael, Gordon Ramsay, Jeremy Clarkson, Ozzy and Sharon Osbourne. Addison and Gary regaled each other with showbiz stories at top volume while I quietly ate sushi rolls. Gary was so well connected it had become a bit of a party trick. ‘Name any famous person in the world,’ he kept asking me. Whoever I picked he would invariably reply, ‘I’ve known him for twenty years.’ And then proceed to tell a hilarious and borderline incriminating story about them, immediately followed by Addison, who also claimed to have known them for twenty years, trying to top it, all the while chopsticks were flailing and bits of rice flying around the table. They were both so loud all the other diners were tutting and rolling their eyes, not that Addison and Gary noticed or cared.

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