Zero Tolerance Meets the Alien Death Ray and Other (Mostly) Inappropriate Stories by David Lubar

Author:David Lubar
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: horror, humor, short stories
Publisher: David Lubar

Growing Pains

I would have enjoyed the assembly a lot more if I wasn't sitting next to Augie Blockner. He's the biggest kid in our school, and he liked to make sure everyone knew it. When I took my seat, he poked me in the arm and said, "Hey, shrimp."

Okay — I'm short for my age. But I'm not so short I'd be mistaken for seafood. I looked over at him and said, "Hi." It was the safest thing to do. If I ignored him, he'd get mean. If I tried some sort of wise-guy answer, he'd get even meaner.

Luckily, the assembly started before Augie could think of some way to make my life miserable. The program was actually pretty cool. They had a five real football players on stage. These guys made Augie look like — well, they made him look like he made me look. That's how big they were.

They talked about stuff like studying hard and staying in school. It wasn't really a message I needed to hear. I did okay in school, and I didn't have any plans to drop out of seventh grade to enter a life of crime.

They also talked about eating good food, and paying attention to nutrition. The biggest player in the group held up a sack of oranges in one hand and a head of lettuce in the other.

"This is what your body needs."

Another guy lifted a two-liter bottle of cola. "This isn't what you need."

The third guy showed us a picture of a cow. "Balanced meals are important," he said.

I zoned out as they went over all the food groups. I knew that stuff. They also warned us about steroids and other dangerous substances.

"Kids," one of the players said, picking up a small bottle of clear liquid, "this will do all sorts of evil things to your body. It just isn't worth it."

"Your young bodies are still growing and changing," another of the player said. "There's no telling how much this stuff could mess you up."

When the assembly ended, I realized I'd survived 45 minutes sitting right next to Augie. For the first time in my life, I was actually eager to get back to my class. Before I could stand, Augie grabbed my shoulder and said, "Come on. Let's meet them."

"What?"

He pointed to the stage. "Let's sneak back there and meet the players. I've never met a real football star."

"But we'll get in trouble." I didn't feel like spending the next week in after-school detention, or writing a three-page essay.

Augie tightened his grip enough to let me know I'd find myself in even more trouble — or at least, more painful trouble — if I didn't do what he wanted.

"Why do you care if I come?"

"I might need a distraction."

I didn't like the sound of that. I could picture him ripping my arm off and batting me to the ground with it. Then he could stroll past the teachers who were busy trying to stop the spurting blood. As I

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