Washing My Life Away by Deane Ruth;

Author:Deane, Ruth; [Deane, Ruth]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Jessica Kingsley Publishers

CHAPTER TEN

Admitting Myself

For the most part life was much improved over the following few months. I was less uptight now I knew that I was finally receiving the help I needed. Quite obviously this positive change in my behaviour had a beneficial effect on my marriage and relationships in general.

However, I still knew that despite this period of remission, the deep-rooted problems in my marriage were very much a reality. We were definitely behaving in a more civilised manner toward one another, but it wasn’t enough.

Day-to-day life seemed to take over for a while. Work. The house. The dog. I was still washing excessively and my panic attacks were about the same. But I did feel happier in myself.

I visited Sam once a week. It was quite a trek for me, at least a two-hour drive. The only hospital that employed this type of therapist was eighty miles away from my home. This meant taking time off work in order to maintain the continuity of the programme. I was aware that I wouldn’t be able to keep it up indefinitely and that sooner or later my job or the hospital visits would have to go. It became a case of putting a price on my health or earning a wage.

What a dilemma! My health or my career? Obviously, without my health my career would be pointless, so a decision had to be made. I had only been in my job for a matter of months at that time and knew that my rights were limited. I began to feel guilty for letting down my colleagues and employer, and that in itself had a significantly debilitating effect on me.

I became seriously ill again. My frequent washing increased along with the panic attacks. I was finding life so difficult that I became exhausted with it and I was on the verge of giving up. I didn’t eat. I couldn’t smile. I spoke only when I was spoken to. More than anything, it was obvious to everyone that there was something very wrong with me.

My weight plummeted to less than five stone. I had now passed the stage where my illness could be handled at home. I knew this, but I couldn’t bring myself to do anything about it. This would have meant admitting defeat, which is not something that comes easily to me.

I decided to inform my boss of my intentions. Arriving promptly at the office on a hot Thursday morning I felt so weak that I stumbled over to my desk and almost fell into my chair. I sat motionless, staring at the wall.

Sam had almost begged me the day before to admit myself to hospital. She was clearly worried about me and I realised that now was the time I had to do something to help myself.

The wall in front of me became blurred as my eyes filled with tears. And while the sounds of my colleagues around me faded, I felt as though I just wanted to go to sleep and wake up when it was all over.

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