Undead and Unwary by MaryJanice Davidson

Author:MaryJanice Davidson
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin Group US
Published: 2014-09-15T16:00:00+00:00

CHAPTER

TWENTY

“Oh, now, what is this shit?”

I was back in the big fat nothing that was the pit, Hades, the place where you could never find your receipt and even if you could, Hell doesn’t take returns.

I’d wanted to be back in Hell—or at least gone from that kitchen. And I was. Blink! Jeannie and her pink outfit of scarves and air (and her disturbing habit of referring to an air force major as “Master”) had nothing on me. Too bad I had no real idea how I did it. More of that “Hell and its rules are shaped by the force of your will” bullshit? The force of my will? What, like, think positive? Don’t think you can run Hell . . . know you can! What? No. Nothing was that easy.

Could those business seminars I’d endured for various office jobs have been right all along? Communicating with Tact, Diplomacy, and Professionalism . . . do I have to say what a waste of money that was for management? Almost as much as the bucks they shelled out for Conflict Management Skills for Women. Should I hang some of those motivational posters in Hell? Be the Bridge: Problems become opportunities when the right people join together. Excellence: Some excel because they are destined to. Most excel because they are determined to. Are they also determined to end a sentence with a preposition? Because that’s what they’re doing. Show me that poster, thanks.

“Oh, look,” a familiar, bored voice drawled behind me. “It’s back.”

I whirled and glared at the Ant. “What the hell is going on in Hell?”

“You aren’t tired of hammering that stupid joke over and over yet?”

“I will never get tired of hammering stupid jokes,” I retorted. “Now tell me what’s going on. How long was I gone? And how come I was only here for a few minutes but the gang said I was MIA for a day? And what’s up with the weird babies?” This was why I hadn’t said anything to Jessica or DadDick about what I’d seen their babies do. Because if there’s one person on the planet who loathes my stepmother more than I, it would be Jessica, who loathed her with all the power her love and loyalty brought to bear.

The Ant had, after all, been the one to tip me off to the problem with Jessica’s pregnancy9 and the strangeness therein; I assumed she’d also know what was up with Oil and Vinegar. But there was no way I could have said, Something unprecedented and terrifying is happening to your children and the only one who might be able to help us is a woman you and I both despise and have never been nice to, but, no big, I’ll go play Twenty Questions with her in Hell and maybe she’ll be helpful and maybe not. Later, bitch!

Uh. No. If I had, Jess never would have let me go back to Hell without her, and taking my best friend to Hell was not happening, ever.

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