The Two Doctors Górski by Isaac Fellman

Author:Isaac Fellman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Tor Publishing Group

Chapter 5

The next morning was hard. She felt tired, more physically tired than she ought, and she asked herself, is this how it feels to get old? She sometimes felt so much older than she was—as if she had taken Jonathon’s extra years from his shoulders, exchanged ages with him. Other people her age seemed too young and full of blood, flushed with the sensation of having time to figure things out, a whole bouquet of years before you were even thirty. Baby’s breath. Looking back at the person she was trying to be when she’d met Jonathon—and had tried to be, increasingly painfully, when they were together—she felt she had nothing in common with her. All that wasted energy, spent on Modcloth dresses and vintage jewelry, on knitting and blocking complex lace.

She went to the lab, put down her bag. She was still doing endless literature review, familiarizing herself not only with the totality of her own field, but with neighboring fields as well, anything related to magic and the body. She fantasized sometimes about achieving complete control over her own body, manual management of the swell of the diaphragm, of the tingling synapses of the brain, the sluice of nutrients through the stomach and intestines. It would give her study results that needed no outside resources at all, and it would give her something to think about forever. Never again would her thoughts torment her—she would be too busy palpating her own heart, keeping a perfect rhythm like a drummer, regulating herself even in sleep, never for a moment letting a system spill away. Her therapists had always gone on about self-care. Well, she’d do that.

Behind her, Marec opened the door and said, “You’ve been to see him.”

Annae’s whole body jerked, and she groaned like a wooden ship sinking. Marec’s dry hand gripped her shoulder. She said, “Get off me!”

“I am sure you are terribly triggered,” said Marec. “How dare you reach him?”

She finally shook him off, heated and suddenly almost sick. “I can talk to whoever I like!”

“Whomever,” said Marec. “And I’m sure you can, but you may not. Haven’t I warned you enough to stay out of my mind and my affairs?”

“I’ve stayed out of your mind. I talked to Ariel for advice about you.” She turned on him, her voice cracking. “Did he tell you? Are you reading me?”

“Never mind how I know.” Marec’s face was red, a smooth even color like a watercolor wash. “I don’t go to your Jonathon for advice about you—in fact, I actively disregard what he says to me—”

“Why would you need advice about me? You refuse to deal with me, you refuse to talk to me, I’m trying to work without any support from you—”

“Because you’ve given me no proof that you can be trusted with the smallest thing—”

“You don’t even know me! You just don’t want to be bothered with me! You’ve thought I was a pain in the ass ever since you heard from Jonathon, a pain

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