Mental Zoo by Akhtar Salman;Volkan Vamik D.;

Author:Akhtar, Salman;Volkan, Vamik D.;
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Taylor & Francis Group

A Widow’s Shame

This vignette is about a woman in her seventies, Mrs. Raymond, whose husband, a few years older, had died following a lingering illness of eight months. The patient had no surviving children or siblings and little in the way of friends or related family. She did have a dog, Toby, however, which she shared with her husband, and she counted on the dog for companionship and solace after her husband died. She came into therapy because of depression and feelings of helplessness. She did not know how to drive a car, for example. In psychotherapy, she progressed a great deal, began to take a very forward-looking attitude and began to move on with her life, including finally learning how to drive. This was a significant accomplishment for her about which she was very pleased and proud. As a paper by Setdage (1996) illustrates, a patient in the later years of life can benefit a great deal from psychotherapy or analysis.

Mrs. Raymond began expressing a sense of deep shame about her attachment to the dog. As we explored this, she revealed that she had dreams about Toby, which began after the dog died, six months after her husband died. She dreamed of the dog bounding down the steps, coming to greet her, and barking at her in a happy, excited fashion. She missed the dog’s companionship, but her sense of shame about this and about her dreams was very strong. She felt it improper and shameful that she should think so much about her dog. As we discussed this further, it became clear that she missed her husband, also, but because of quarrels and the ambivalence she had about him, her mourning was not undiluted. She acknowledged feelings of relief about his death, even though she missed his presence. Her shame related not so much to this ambivalence, but to the feeling that she was missing her dog more than her husband.

It was difficult for her to come to terms with this shame, and despite interpretations related to her shame, guilt, and other related painful affects, these feelings, including humiliation and self-blame, were unremitting. I finally decided to reveal something personal to help her with her shame: I told her that I had a dog who died and whom I continued to miss a great deal. I told her that I, too, had had dreams about my dog being alive, and running across the front lawn toward me in a familiar way to be stroked and petted. This finally seemed to reach her; she was greatly relieved to realize that she was not alone in her feelings. Her shame and guilt were alleviated. Her short-term therapy progressed to a successful conclusion. She began to expand in new areas of her life, but she began to obsess with ambivalence about getting another dog.

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