In Search of Safety by Susan Kuklin

Author:Susan Kuklin [Kuklin, Susan]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781536211863
Publisher: Candlewick Press
Published: 2020-06-14T16:00:00+00:00

Mai and I were together from 2010 to 2016. I had my last baby with him, my son Bukjiok. I loved Mai. I still do. But he’s not able to make a lasting commitment. I was now a grown-up woman, right? Two of my kids were already teenagers. I was getting old. I didn’t want to run around with men. I wanted my kids to see me committed to a man I could marry. Mai was not capable of marrying me. He said he loved me, he even said he wanted to marry me, but he didn’t know when. For seven years I thought, maybe he’s gonna change, maybe he’s gonna change, maybe he’s gonna change. But he didn’t change.

After my son Bukjiok was born, I talked to Nyarout in the mirror again. “Why is he here? He takes no responsibility, even for his own son.” After I talked to Nyarout in the mirror, I totally blocked my heart. I saw a lot of things that I couldn’t see before. I felt really bad about my life. I felt terrible.

I told Mai, “I thought we could be better people together. I thought we could be a couple. I thought we could be a family. But I feel like you are not willing to be a stable man. You’re not helping me.” I told him to leave.

And he left.

In 2014, I went. Back to Africa to see my mom, my other brothers and sisters who had stayed behind. By now, my brothers and sisters all had kids of their own. I never did get to see my father. The civil war was going on, and my father was away. I think he was working as an adviser to the military.

My grandmother wanted to see me, but she was afraid to leave her village. She said that she wanted to hold me one more time before she died — I think she was ninety-eight years old. She said, “I don’t want to die before I see you. I’m going to wait until you come.” I went to her village in Ethiopia. She could only see me with one eye; she had cataracts. “I can’t believe that you’re here. You’re here.” She cried and hugged me and hugged me. When I stood up, she said, “I’m not done. I don’t have enough of you.” And she hugged me some more. “I don’t want you to go back.”

“But what about my kids? I have kids over there. If I didn’t have kids, I would stay.”

“Okay, I will give you many blessings that you will have many, many kids.”

“Don’t bless me with more children; bless me with more money.”

In Africa, I realized how much I had changed. Of course, I’m still an African person, but my life is so different now. The food they eat doesn’t taste good to me anymore. I can’t sleep on the ground anymore. I tried it, but my back hurt so much. My African family walks long distances. I’m used to driving everywhere, not walking.

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