I Want to Be Where the Normal People Are by Rachel Bloom

Author:Rachel Bloom [Bloom, Rachel]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2020-11-30T16:00:00+00:00

MY STRICT RULES FOR WHIMSY

My likes and dislikes have not changed much since childhood. I am still obsessed with amusement parks, musicals, large reptiles, and the eerie similarities between the Lincoln and Kennedy assassinations (John Wilkes Booth ran from a theater and was caught in a warehouse! Lee Harvey Oswald ran from a warehouse and was caught in a theater!). A word you could use to describe me is “whimsical.” But whimsy has always been a serious business for me. Being the kid who didn’t want anyone’s parents coming backstage before the school play because it would “break the fourth wall,” I have certain rules for fun by which I abide and expect others to do the same. For some, it’s off-putting and intense. For others, it’s also off-putting and intense.

The below list of rules has taken me thirty-three years to curate. Half of it is Disney-related.

1. The correct amount of being into Disneyland is the exact same amount that I am into Disneyland. If you are into Disneyland less than I am then you are an unimaginative cynic. If you are into Disneyland any more than I am, it’s like, I DON’T CARE ABOUT YOUR PIN COLLECTION, FREAK.

2. When entering a Disney park, you may debate Walt Disney’s rumored anti-Semitism. However, you may ONLY do it when walking down Main Street.

3. The actors in the Harry Potter movie series are NOT the actual characters. They are actors playing the characters in the Harry Potter books, all of whom are real, and I will meet them someday.

4. When greeting my dog, do not say, “Hey buddy!” She is not a “buddy.” She is a princess, stinker, sock monster, Madam, Peanut Wolf, pillow, fly assassin, and maybe “special friend.” But not “buddy.”

5. Back to Disneyland: If someone in your party gets sick on a ride, then it is perfectly acceptable to abandon that person in the nurse’s station and continue on with your day. I have done this to my husband on three separate occasions and feel no guilt.

6. And while we’re on the subject: When on the Disneyland ride Indiana Jones and the Temple of the Forbidden Eye, do NOT look into the eyes of the stone goddess Mara. I mean, I shouldn’t have to say this because the warning is right in the ride title, but, inevitably, someone in your car will look. Yes, this violation is the catalyst for the entire ride, but show some cultural respect. You do not need to be part of the problem.

7. When skipping through a field of flowers and giggling, closed-toe shoes must be worn.

8. In the game “Never Have I Ever,” please stick to sex- and drug-related activities. No one wants to know who in the group hasn’t seen Citizen Kane.

9. Back to Disneyland again. The entirety of Splash Mountain / parts of Small World / half of the Jungle Cruise is racist. I have no idea what to do about it, but it does need to be verbally acknowledged at some point on each ride.

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