How I Met Your Father by Aminah Hart

Author:Aminah Hart [Hart, Aminah]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Biography & Autobiography, General
ISBN: 9781952533518
Google: FygwCwAAQBAJ
Publisher: Allen & Unwin
Published: 2016-03-08T00:00:00+00:00

Thankfully we started counselling the same week of that fractious conversation, both together and separately, otherwise we may have parted ways immediately. I felt like I’d compromised by committing to live in London forever and that I’d always play second fiddle to Jake’s mother and sister.

The first counsellor we saw was a marriage counsellor from Relate who said she couldn’t help us and not to bother returning for another session, but then Rosemary at the Royal Free Hospital recommended another counsellor called Annette who we connected with instantly. Annette’s first piece of advice was not to make any big decisions while the grief was still so consuming. She said it would take us on a journey that would see us end up at a very different place to where we found ourselves so soon after our bereavement.

Seeing Annette each week was like having a mediator in our marriage and it helped to have an independent voice of reason. She kept us from the brink of a marital implosion until Christmas arrived and we were able to take a step back from each other for reflection.

I’d started seeing another counsellor, Angela, on my own and she also helped keep me connected to reason and reassured me that everything that was happening to me was normal in the circumstances. She diagnosed me with post traumatic stress disorder, which she said explained my flashbacks, and she agreed with Annette that the disconnection between Jake and me was normal as we both grieved in different ways.

“Men and women do grieve differently, Aminah,” she reassured me. “We’ve looked at the guilt you’re feeling and how destructive it can be. Jake is probably feeling guilty about many things as well and men tend to want to fix the situation, so he may be feeling helpless because he can’t.”

“But what about our marriage?” I asked. “Where’s his loyalty to me? How can he let me fly to Australia by myself when he knows how much I’m suffering and need to get away for Christmas? And he knows I don’t think his family has been very supportive.”

Angela understood my point of view but also tried to provide a take on Jake’s perspective. She explained that he was likely feeling very vulnerable and scared himself, drawing him closer to his own family who had always known him, much as I turned to my mum. She suggested Jake probably felt very torn between me and his family, especially because I was feeling disconnected from them. And any sense of his family and me as separate entities at that time would be difficult for him to cope with.

I listened to her ideas before turning my attention back to Marlon and the indelible scars left by his death. Angela’s reflections and observations helped me process the enormity of what I was feeling and kept me from sinking completely under the weight of the mental anguish I was fighting every day, but I remained annoyed with Jake for refusing to come to Australia with me.

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