Day of the Accident by Ellwood Nuala

Author:Ellwood, Nuala
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9780241977354
Publisher: Penguin Books Ltd
Published: 2019-01-24T16:00:00+00:00

32

14th May 2017

Hi Mags

They’ve told me that writing in this diary might help, whatever that means. Will it help bring Elspeth back? Will it help you wake up? Christ, these last few hours I’ve been sitting in this chair like a zombie, unable to even fathom what has just happened let alone write it down. But the images of yesterday are hammering against my head, begging to be let out. I can either scream and rage and bang my fists on the walls or I can write it down here.

I’ve been to see her, Mags. The doctors came in and said she was ready and for a split second I was sure they were telling me that it had all been a big mistake, that Elspeth was waiting in one of the cubicles, ready to come home, that it was some other poor soul’s child that died. Not ours. Not our Elspeth.

So I went with them, the doctors, down this long sterile corridor, the road to hell. There was a policewoman there too, the same one who came to our front door. She didn’t say anything as we walked along, just smiled this sickly smile. I wanted to rip it off her face. I mean, who smiles when you’re about to see a dead child?

And then we got to the door. They opened it and, Christ, Maggie, it was the most horrific thing I’ve ever had to do. It was so cold in there, freezing, and there was this weird smell. I started to shake then and I couldn’t stop. Even my teeth started chattering. The policewoman grabbed my arm. It wasn’t real. It couldn’t be. Think of the worst nightmare you’ve ever had then multiply it a million times.

Someone said my name and I saw a woman coming towards me, dressed in green scrubs. The pathologist.

She started talking but I couldn’t really take in what she was saying because she was there. Elspeth.

I heard the woman say something. She was asking if this was my daughter. And every part of me wanted to say, ‘No, that’s not my daughter. My daughter’s at home, safe and well.’ But when I looked down there was no question who it was. Her little face was so white and she had a big purple bruise underneath her right eye. I just wanted to lift her off that block and carry her out of there, take her home. I wanted to shake her until she woke up.

God, Elspeth.

I can’t really remember much after that. Everything just blurred. The police officer led me out of there and the doctor asked if I was okay. I told him that I would never be okay again, not after what I had just seen.

But as they walked me back to your bedside all I could think was that this was my fault. That you’d found out what I’d done.

15th May

Dear Mags,

I’m sitting by your bed and all sorts of feelings are battling inside me: fear, guilt, anger, confusion.

Yesterday I blamed myself.

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