Crazy in Lust by Marilyn Botta

Author:Marilyn Botta
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Publish on Demand Global LLC

Journal Entry--March 21, 2000

I'm sitting here at Janet's house, in Georgia. It's been a few very peaceful days—so much different than when I'm home. No dealing with Andy's tantrums and petulance. There's a very appropriate song on my portable CD player, “Isn't It A Pity?” by George Harrison. It describes my relationship with Andy.

When I'm out running, things come into focus—as if God (or my spiritual advisor) is speaking to me. What has become apparent is that I must let Andy go. I do not see any other way to go on like this—unless there is a drastic change in his attitude, which I don't see happening. What he did to me on the Friday while I was packing and leaving to come here was unforgivable and, unfortunately, too typical. I need to do the “next right thing” and, that is to tell him to leave. He could have it all—a life with me and even a house, but he ruins it by being a domineering, hostile, arrogant, sullen, sarcastic (any more adjectives?) bastard. No matter how much I try to do, it's never enough. He demands more and more of my attention. So much so that I feel like I'm suffocating. He's not in love with me; he's in love with the person he wants me to be. He's totally unaccepting of the real me. The song “I Love You Just The Way You Are” doesn't apply to him. Andy loves me the way he thinks I should be. No matter how much he apologizes and says he's changed and now accepts me, I know in my heart of hearts, it isn't true. I know this because he keeps bringing up the same shit over and over again. The same issues he says he has resolved and worked out in his mind keep coming up. It's always the same—he feels threatened because I'm not spending enough time with him—so he becomes nasty and sarcastic until I ask him what's wrong. He won't tell me until I finally lose my patience, and then he turns the tables and makes it seem as if I'm in the wrong. In actuality, he's making me wrong for being me.

I've decided I will NO LONGER BEND OVER BACKWARDS to please him because it won't do any good. Nothing I do is ever good enough, so why try? I will now do my thing, whenever I want to. If he wants to accept it, great. If he doesn't, then too bad. I can't have this tension and strife in my home all the time. It's like living with a time bomb. I never know when I'll do something to set him off.

He called, and I'm not totally sure I want to return the call. I keep thinking that he's going to chastise me for not calling him. This is how I always feel—like I'm doing something wrong. I know what needs to be done. The question is not IF but WHEN. When will I finally

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