Controlling People: How to Recognize, Understand, and Deal With People Who Try to Control You by Patricia Evans

Author:Patricia Evans [Evans, Patricia]
Language: eng
Format: azw, epub
Tags: Language Arts & Disciplines, Rhetoric, Psychology, Control (Psychology), Anger Management, Manipulative Behavior, General, Family & Relationships, Interpersonal Relations, Self-Help, Anger, Personality, Sample Book
ISBN: 9781580625692
Google: 4vKdrt8zcBkC
Publisher: Adams Media
Published: 2001-01-01T08:00:00+00:00

Chapter II

The Problem

* * *

A difficult problem is a master

teacher. If you miss one tiny part

of the solution early on, it can call

you to task at any moment.

—“Nan”

* * *

Thousands of people have shared with me the intimate details of their attempts to free themselves from the influence of people who tried to control them. Others have shared their attempts to stop exerting controlling tactics against others. In those instances in which the “Controllers” became truly conscious of their behavior, they were shocked at what they discovered about themselves. They were horrified.

The wise words at the beginning of this chapter were spoken by a woman I’ll call “Nan,” a happily married career professional, a mother, and a grandmother. But Nan didn’t always have happiness. At one time her life was in chaos. During that time she spent many courageous years trying to understand “what was wrong.”

While she was growing up, the people who were responsible for her had acted senselessly against her—people who were old enough to know better—people who thought that they were sensible.

They had disparaged her, ridiculed her, and thus defined her. They had oppressed her and attempted to control her. The people who treated her this way were, in fact, her parents. They called her their “little numskull.” They ignored her complaints with accusations: “Don’t you talk back to me,” “You think you’re better than the rest of us.” Most of the time, Nan felt sad, inadequate, and confused, but she wasn’t sure why.

At nineteen, she met a charming and intelligent man, but upon marrying him, he changed drastically. In fact, instead of charming her as he had when courting her, he put her down, called her vile names, and yelled at her so much that she became traumatized and sick. She felt that if she stayed she would die from pain, but she didn’t know what to do, because she was accused of causing it all. She didn’t see herself as wise, nor did she know where to look for a solution. This, of course, made her task, to make sense of nonsense, extraordinarily difficult.

In time, she found some answers. She saw the nonsense for what it was. She had been surrounded by people who acted senselessly and who had attempted to control her. Her realization enabled her to leave her abuser and her past behind her, and to create order out of the chaos. Still she was perplexed. Why had senselessness run rampant through her life?

Families fall apart, people fight depression, or escape emotional pain with drugs. Whole industries are built around raising self-esteem and developing positive thinking. Therapies are developed to help us to gain a positive self-concept and products are sold to lighten our moods. But the problem itself— people trying to control people—is not solved.

The senselessness that ran rampant through Nan’s life creates chaos in the lives of millions of people. This chaos calls us to task. It is like the clamor of an insatiable beast almost at our doorstep. What is

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