Beyond Happiness: The Zen Way to True Contentment by Ezra Bayda

Author:Ezra Bayda [Bayda, Ezra]
Language: eng
Format: epub, mobi
Publisher: Shambhala Publications
Published: 2010-12-13T23:00:00+00:00

In Our Darkest Moments

Sometimes, however, our emotions can feel so overwhelming that no matter what we do we remain entrenched in them. When we experience these dark moments, even asking the three questions may not help. These are the moments, whether of sadness, fear, or despair, when we feel most disconnected from the heart. These are also the times when we often judge ourselves most harshly, where we firmly believe that we’re a failure. Yet, even in these darkest moments, there is still one thing that we can do—we can take one single breath into the center of the chest. And with that, perhaps we can notice one thought; or feel just one sensation; or become aware of the environment. And then we can take just one more breath into the chest center. Using the breath as a conduit, we can breathe the sensations of distress and discouragement right into the heart. Each single breath into the center of the chest helps us open to what we’re feeling, and slowly the sense of disheartenment can dissolve into reconnection.

In our darkest moments, where there is so little compassion for ourselves, breathing into the heart is in itself an act of compassion. The very process of opening to our deep well of personal pain, opens us to the universal pain of being human. Breathing the emotion into the center of the chest undermines the seductive power of the emotion-based thoughts, and we no longer feel so trapped and alone. Even when the distress remains, we can get a taste of the healing power of the spaciousness of the heart, and this allows us to eventually come back to the basic practice of being present.

When I was in my early fifties, I went through a three-year period where I would wake up between three and five o’clock in the morning, usually with unending anxiety. My mind would jump from one thing to another—my work, my health, my relationships—and wherever my mind would land there was anxiety. It certainly seemed that the content of my anxiety was what was causing me to wake up, but after a while it became clear that the things my mind would spin around were not the cause—they simply added fuel to the fire. At one point I made up a blanket thought, one that labeled all the varied contents: “Having a believed thought things are out of control—I’ve got to get control.” I silently repeated this thought label as often as necessary until I was no longer caught in the mental spinning.

Although this was helpful, the physical experience of anxiety was still very strong. I tried getting up, I tried meditating, but when I’d get back in bed the anxiety was still there. Sometimes it got so strong I couldn’t lie still—I occasionally felt like I wanted to jump out of my own skin. As this continued night after night, I began to get very discouraged. Not only was I tired and anxious, but my many years of meditating didn’t seem to help.

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