A Practical Guide to Conquering the World by K. J. Parker

Author:K. J. Parker [PARKER, K. J.]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Orbit
Published: 2022-01-11T00:00:00+00:00

One of the reasons people get irritated with me is my incurable flippancy. Everything’s a joke to you, they sooner or later say, you can’t be serious about anything. Which, I think, betrays a fundamental misunderstanding of the nature of humour.

There’s a sort of cuttlefish, so they tell me. When it’s chased by a shark or whatever, it squirts ink in its eyes and dashes for cover. For ink, read joke. The whole world scares me. A lot of the time, even thinking about who’s coming for me next makes me ill with fear. So, because I assume everything and everybody is hostile, I spend my life behind a screen of floating ink. Of course, the danger I’m most afraid of is the one I carry around inside my head. And sometimes the screen is so thick I can’t see a damn thing through it.

Trust me on this: behind the screen I’m deadly serious. You can’t look at a sharp knife that close to you and see the look in the eyes of the man holding it and not be. The knife is there with me every day. It’s like you’ve got a terminal illness and every morning you wake up and it’s the first thing you remember.

No matter. Always the good-natured jibe and the merry quip. See? I’m harmless.

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