9781644283400_EPUB by Unknown

Author:Unknown
Language: eng
Format: epub
Published: 2022-11-01T19:41:03+00:00

Expectation

I knew that if a person had a heart disease, one of the symptoms is chest pain that might feel like pressure or a squeezing sensation. I didn’t know whether strong physical pain could happen to a healthy heart, which I had, but sometimes my heart was tightly squeezed and I needed to bend at a ninety-degree angle to reposition the smallest coronary arteries as if something were blocking them or there wasn’t enough blood flowing to bring oxygen-rich blood to my heart. The pain of losing Matthew was as vivid as if I were holding my own beating heart, witnessing the slowly dissipating blood red color.

I started writing to Dad the summer after Matthew’s death.

Dear Dad,

I have planned to write you this letter long before today. Procrastination is my problem. Summer is almost over. But the sun is still very bright. Most evenings, I walk round and round on the farm. I smell autumn and see the leaves falling.

We are not able to talk about Matthew over the phone because I don’t know how to express myself. I am at a loss. My memories start getting blurry from the day Matthew died. I have been very confused for the past nine months. I don’t know who I was, who I am, or who I will be.

The other night, I was in the kitchen; I held an onion. At the time, I didn’t know what it was, why I was holding it, and what I should do with it. I was in tremendous agony of not knowing what to do with it. I sat next to the dinner table with pouring tears.

One thing I want you to know is that I loved your son, and he knew that. We both were too consumed by his illness, which pushed us to the edge. I remember Matthew asked if it was OK to die. I said what I believe, that each person has the right to decide. In retrospect, Matthew was asking for permission. How could I be so blind? I know it was not my fault that Matthew made his decision. But I don’t know how to live with the feeling of guilt.

You have gone through this again and again in the past forty-some years. I have a lot to learn from your wisdom. At the same time, I want you to know that I have constantly thought of you and shared the pain with you. I hope someday I also can share your joy in life. It does not matter who I will be. Matthew, you, and other family members are my family, which is staying with me.

Keep in touch and stay healthy.

P.S. If Mom doesn’t get the chance to read this letter, please say hello for me.

Love,

Vivi

Dad and I corresponded with sporadic letters, phone calls, visits, and trips. Despite how life had unfairly mistreated him, he didn’t lose his cheerful nature. Years after Matthew’s death, he was still that delightful old man who talked and danced around life as

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