Why? Understanding the Narcissist's Behaviour by Tudor H G

Author:Tudor, H G
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Unknown
Published: 2016-06-30T00:00:00+00:00

Why do we like to start arguments?

I find this approach very important. I will, at random, accuse you of some kind of transgression. The nature of the transgression may be minor or major, that does not matter. Invariably, my accusation will be vague. That is intentional. My desire to get my retaliation in first serves two purposes. First of all, it allows me to put you on the back foot and have you feeling anxious and confused and may actually cause you to admit to doing something, which I had no idea about. You see, I know I regularly behave in what others regard as a morally reprehensible manner. I take things, which do not belong to me, I am unfaithful to my partners, I tell lies, I fail to honour obligations and so on and so forth. I take the view that since I do these things everyone else does so as well. Admittedly, their charge sheet will not be anywhere near as long as mine, but I know you will have done something wrong. Everyone is guilty of something. Thus by accusing you of a vague allegation I have the potential to actually get you to confess to doing something wrong which I can then really hold against you. What a win for me that is.

The second purpose of putting you on the back foot is absolving myself of any responsibility for what I have done. I have spent an afternoon with another woman so I shall accuse you of infidelity in order to make me feel better. I project my shortcomings on to you in an attempt to shake off any accountability for them. I do not want to contemplate what I have done. I would much rather shift the blame on to you instead. How does this behaviour look? I will begin with my vague accusation.

“Where have you been?”

“Sorry?”

“I said where have you been? It is 10pm.”

“You know where I have been, I went to my friend’s house, you know Elaine from work.”

“No you didn’t, you just said you would be back from work a little late.”

“No I didn’t, I rang you this afternoon and told you that I had been invited to Elaine’s house and I would go straight there from my work as she lives that way. This isn’t late and anyway, you came in after 2am last night.”

“This isn’t about me and you know that. You didn’t say all that. You just said you would be back a little late. Where have you really been?”

“Listen, I told you. I rang and said I was going to Elaine’s house.”

“Really? That’s strange because I rang around your friends and none of them knew where you were.”

“Why have you done that? That makes me look like I have done something wrong.”

“Doesn’t it? Perhaps that’s because you have.”

“I haven’t and that’s a stupid thing to do ringing my friends like that. Did you really do that?”

“Are you calling me a liar now? That’s charming. You are the one who waltzes in here late and now you accuse me of being a liar.

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