Who Will Hold Me?: A Single Mother's Memoir of Self-Love, Empowerment and Freedom by Sophie Pagalday

Author:Sophie Pagalday [Pagalday, Sophie]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: women's stories, female empowerment, women, single moms, motherhood, spirituality
Published: 2019-11-14T18:30:00+00:00

Chapter Six

HERE I AM AGAIN at the meditation center for yet another retreat. Five days with nothing else to do besides going within and facing what's inside and ahead of me. My resistance is tangible. My exhaustion has convinced me that I’m a victim of my own life. I have so many circumstances and people around me to blame for how my life has turned out.

First chance I get, I complain and sob about how I’ve ruined everything for my daughter and myself. I feel lost and don't know where to go next. I don't know how to make the avalanche stop or how to get off the roller coaster. I divorced Sean so I wouldn't have to carry the weight of him and his addiction. And here I am, still entangled in his drama, letting it impact Zoey’s and my life. He’s not doing anything to me, but that’s how it feels.

As I sit there on the meditation floor, feeling sorry for myself and whining endlessly about how crappy my life is, I get guidance from one of my spiritual teachers:

“Even if you are successful at removing every single situation that causes you and your daughter's pain from your life, you and she will still experience pain. We live in a world of duality—there's darkness and light. And the reality is, the darkness will never go away. Assume that the darkness will always be there, and still find the light. More importantly, hold the light and let it illuminate your response to what is. That’s all you can control.”

First, I feel challenged and want to argue with him. Then, even though I don't fully know what that means, I recognize it as truth. In that moment, I see clearly that I’ve been trying to control how much darkness surrounds Zoey and me. It’s sort of ridiculous and, frankly, arrogant.

My spiritual teacher asks me why I can't just let go.

“Just put it into God’s hands and ask for the suffering to be taken away from you.”

This is terrifying territory for me. Can I trust it? Can I trust Him?

I go into a deep meditation. As I feel little bubbles of feelings popping up inside, I explore them, curiously. As I place my attention on them, they burst, and I’m fully in that feeling. I go into the rage and punch a pillow. I go into the sadness and scream as I sob. I go into my deep longing for all the suffering to just go away. I can’t get myself to hand it over, though. I’m still stuck feeling that I can do it all on my own, if I just try hard enough. Then there’s that exhaustion again. I surrender and beg deeply. "Please take this pain away. I no longer want this. This is too hard." I think I’m talking to God, but my words are there for anyone who’ll listen.

In my exhaustion, I’m shown the strength that lives inside me. I can feel it in my heart and my vigilance, in my commitment to get out of the shadows as many times as it takes.

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