When I Do Relationships So Right How Do They Go So Wrong?: Using Emotional Maturity to Transform Your Mind, Your Relationships, and the Generations to Come by Dana Elken Terrell

Author:Dana Elken Terrell [Terrell, Dana Elken]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: Relationships, Relationship self-help, skills, family, Self-Help, and, social, conflict, couples, resolution
Amazon: B07FB8RCZ6
Publisher: Comprehensive Therapy Approach, Inc.
Published: 2018-07-05T22:00:00+00:00

Funerals or memorial services

During my hospice career and since, I met people who had the attitude that they want to spare their loved ones the pain of a funeral or memorial service. It is a nice thought, if that could help. Sadly, I don’t believe it does.

Funerals and memorial services are primarily for the living. They provide an opportunity for people who loved or cared about the departed to savor the memories, to share feelings and the tears of grief, to connect with one another, and to strengthen their own bonds and relationships.

Death reminds us that all relationships will end in separation in one way or another. We need to savor each relationship we care about. Funerals or memorial services become true family reunions. They help families rather than hurt them. Yes, loss is painful. That can’t be avoided. Avoiding funerals won’t solve the pain of loss.

People who think funerals are hurtful often had childhood trauma connected with a funeral of their parent or grandparent. One of my hospice clients was forced to kiss the cold hand of her grandmother in the coffin. Thus, she didn’t want a funeral. She thought it would cause great pain for her grandchildren. But she reconsidered her position.

When she died, her young granddaughter was present. She walked up and lovingly held her grandmother’s hand spontaneously.

I can say from experience that facing overwhelming pain and loss is softened by the sympathy of each loved one who reaches out.

When there is no service for an important person in my life, I personally feel shaken. My need to honor, savor, and celebrate that life is not going to be easily met. I have actually felt cheated!

On occasion, my need was so great that I organized an informal service to allow a healing experience for those who wanted it. Personally, I found it valuable. The others who participated affirmed how much it meant to them.

I understand that when a loved one declares their insistence on having no service, it sets up conflicting loyalties. Are you to be loyal to your loved one, or loyal to your own heart and its need to not grieve alone?

If you can, discuss this with your loved one before they pass. Let them know that there is no way they can spare you the pain of their departure, though you appreciate their attempt. Yes, funerals and memorial services are sad, but there is also the joy of connection, the heart-touching experiences of sympathy and caring, and the building or rebuilding of relationships. You might share this chapter with your loved one to get the conversation moving.

If you didn’t discuss it ahead of time, you can discuss it afterward. According to the near-death experience literature, those who have gone on are not in a distant world, but in a subtler world that co-exists with ours. They can feel our thoughts and feelings much more clearly than we can perceive theirs. So, express the truth of your heart to your loved one and see how it feels.

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