We Need to Talk by Dr. Linda Mintle

Author:Dr. Linda Mintle [Mintle, Dr. Linda]
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: PSY017000, FAM000000, REL012030
ISBN: 9781441222381
Publisher: Baker Publishing Group
Published: 2015-01-20T05:00:00+00:00

Divorce

Jack Hayford, gifted pastor, teacher, and speaker, once posed the question: “Do marriage vows matter?” It’s an important question that deserves our attention. Hayford believes that the church has swung from the pendulum of blackballing anyone who divorced to now having a less-than-concerned stance toward marriage vows.

This blur between secular and Christian views about long-term marriage begins in the mind and heart. When we entertain the lie that marriage cannot last a lifetime, we become disillusioned. Lies build on lies. Those lies work on our feelings and eventually alter our relationships. Over time, we “fall out of love.”

In my experience as a licensed marriage and family therapist, most Christian divorces are not about abuse, repeated infidelity, or abandonment. Christians divorce over solvable problems. Christian couples say, “We’ve grown apart. We’re not in love anymore.” Divorce becomes the solution to unhappiness or lost passion. The Christian marriage, then, is not distinguished from the secular one.

Marriage is no longer seen as a covenant but a breakable contract. When the costs of marriage outweigh the rewards, divorce happens. The attitude is, “Time for a new partner who can better meet my needs and make me happy.” Happiness is the ultimate end. Underlying the marriage vows is the unstated escape clause: “I’m outta here if it doesn’t work out.” In short, postmodern followers of Jesus have ditched the concept of a marriage covenant for the secular view of marriage as a contract.

The pull of cultural deception is like an undertow. Many fight this deception for a while but ultimately succumb to its strength. The problem with being deluded is that you rarely know when you are! If you believe marriage to be at best tenuous, divorce becomes a viable option. But if you believe the covenant to be sacred and honorable, then your marriage has a better chance at survival. Marriage will always have its unhappy times, but problems can be managed, forgiveness can abound, godly obedience can be manifest, and blessings can be restored when covenant is invoked.

I am not trying to put a guilt trip on anyone who has divorced. Rather my remarks are aimed at those who are contemplating divorce. I would encourage you to try to work through your problems utilizing every resource. Again, most problems are fixable when two people submit to God and have the desire to work through their differences.

In my book I Married You, Not Your Family, I identify ten popular cultural lies people use to support divorce. The first lie is that marriage is a contract. Most Christians say, “No, it’s a covenant.” But their behavior doesn’t support their claim. Behavior follows belief. Too many react to marital difficulty by seeking an escape from their vows and refuse to see a marital therapist for help.

To think more about covenant, reread the chronicles of the Old Testament kings. The Israelites endured king after king. Good kings. Bad kings. Kings who behaved in despicable ways. But God in his mercy and grace maintained the covenant with his chosen people.

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