We All Keep Secrets by Sheryl Browne

Author:Sheryl Browne [Browne, Sheryl]
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 9781837904969
Published: 2023-11-05T16:00:00+00:00

FORTY

‘Up here. You’re cutting it fine, Jake,’ I call down to him. Then, trying for some level of composure, I wait while he bounds up the stairs. Reaching the landing, he flicks his eyes cursorily over me. A broad smile curves his mouth as he looks past me, and I gather that Ollie has reappeared. ‘Hey, little man, how are you doing? Did you have a good day at school?’ he asks, sweeping him into his arms, and a conflict of emotion churns inside me. Whatever Jake has done, Ollie has unshakeable belief in him. I don’t want to damage that, which would be to damage my son.

I wait while Ollie tells him about his day. I’m taken aback when he says I wouldn’t allow him to go to his friend’s house for tea. Does he really think I would be so mean? I see from the look Jake shoots me that he’s judging me, upsettingly, in front of our son, reinforcing my bad guy image. I know that in Ollie’s mind I’m the reason Phoebe, who he adored – largely because she indulged his every whim, spending hours in front of the computer with him – left so suddenly. He overheard the blazing arguments we had about her. After one such argument, when Jake, being the caring soul he is, had picked her up from the village pub, I heard Ollie ask him why I didn’t like her. Jake told him I did, that I was just tired, that was all. ‘Why is Mummy always tired?’ was Ollie’s next question. He meant, of course, Why is Mummy always angry? That hurt. So much. How did I explain? How did I tell my little boy that mummies couldn’t like other women their daddies had sex with?

Remaining calm now, I patiently point out to Ollie that I said he could go as long as Jake was able to pick him up. At which Ollie turns beguilingly to Jake. ‘Can you, Daddy?’

Jake agrees, but hesitantly. I suspect he wants Ollie to think I’ve let him down, but on the other hand, how can he tell him he can’t pick him up without also letting him down?

Once I’ve encouraged Ollie back to bed, I follow Jake into our bedroom, closing the door behind me.

‘How’s Fern?’ He glances back at me as he walks to the wardrobe.

‘Fine,’ I answer as I wait for him to enlighten me as to who the bloody hell is standing in my hall. ‘She was settled when I left her.’

‘Really?’ He glances at me again, his expression surprised, slightly cynical. ‘That’s a first, isn’t it?’ He doesn’t say ‘a breakthrough’ or ‘well done’, because he wants me to continue to feel bad about myself, to doubt myself. I quash the hurt, again.

‘Did you manage to postpone your meeting?’ I ask him, working to keep my voice even. He’s fetching a clean shirt from the wardrobe, I notice. Why would he be doing that unless he’s going out?

‘Not exactly, no.’ Unbuttoning the shirt he has on, he turns to face me.

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