Trauma Bonding by Lauren Kozlowski

Author:Lauren Kozlowski
Language: eng
Format: epub
Tags: how to leave an abusive relationship, how to leave a narcissist, Lauren kozlowski, narcissistic ex, trauma bonded to an abuser, narcissistic abuse in relationships, the aftermath of an abusive relationship
Publisher: Escape The Narcissist
Published: 2020-02-02T00:00:00+00:00

The 5 Stages of Accepting You’re Trauma Bonded

The only way to break free from the tight clutches of an abusive relationship is to take all of the energy and attention that’s being wasted on our abuser and refocus it back on what’s important: ourselves. To free yourself is to take action on this formula: take your focus off of trying to fix your abuser. Focus on and change yourself instead.

As I began to strive to work on my self-esteem, I started to realize that I deserved better. I mean a genuine, profound realization that I really, truly deserved to be treated better. The more I worked on me and my own feelings and needs, I accepted that this relationship simply wasn’t good enough for me. I had to leave (I’ll go into detail about this a little later in the book). I had to plan to leave when I felt ready to do so - it’s not as black and white as making a plan and leaving immediately in most cases. You need to muster up the will to do so first. Only then can you heal.

I probably don’t need to tell you this, but leaving an abusive relationship is one of the hardest things that you will ever do in your lifetime. I left and returned to my ex multiple times, even after the abuse only ever escalated and got worse each time. I’d leave the relationship with a resolve to leave for good, only for it to melt away when he clicked his fingers again. Here you see the trauma bond working its toxic magic yet again.

The majority of other victims that I’ve talked to say the exact same thing. They tell me that they mentally minimize what they’ve endured and what’s gone on through the relationship. That once the bruises fade, the relationship doesn’t seem so bad after all. They felt, much like I did for so many years, that perhaps they had overreacted to what had happened to them. They felt immense guilt for abandoning their abuser when they ‘needed’ them.

Victims who go on to become survivors of an abusive relationship progress through a process of 5 stages before finally breaking free from the restraints of a toxic relationship. The first stages actually occur when we are still in the toxic relationship.

I went through every one of these stages I’ll describe, and I’ve discussed these stages with other survivors, too, and we’re in agreement: these stages are like a bereavement of sorts. You’re going through some similar emotions and mental shifts as you grieve the loss of the life you thought you would have, as well as the person you thought loved you.

Stage #1: Denial

This is where we deny and /or minimize the horrific abuse we’ve endured. Despite everyone around being able to clearly see what’s going on, we seem to lack awareness of how bad it truly is. In reality, we’re simply denying what’s happening and trying to minimize its toxic influence on us. During

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