Trapped in the Mirror by Golomb Elan

Author:Golomb, Elan
Language: eng
Format: epub
ISBN: 978-0-06-222702-7
Publisher: William Morrow & Company, Inc.
Published: 2012-06-18T16:00:00+00:00

14

HOW TO FIND AND HEAL YOUR SELF

We need to counter false images that we have accepted, to break the mold of habits that tie us. From childhood on I thought a sauna utterly embarrassing. My narcissistic father had despised my body as flat-chested and too large in the buttocks. I wouldn’t dream of removing my clothes in public. One New Year’s week, I visited Vermont with a lover whose friends hauled us into their sauna. I was in a state of dread but there was no way to decline gracefully. I felt so frightened of nudity that I had taken to bed and had to be dragged out to participate. I didn’t want to admit my self-dislike to them. I had intense fear of their agreeing with my physical self-rejection.

I won’t go into the horrors of undressing. Let it be known that I found a solitary and hopefully somewhat hidden position on the shelf of a former chicken coop turned sauna. It was New Year’s Eve and the entire crew, including the children, drank champagne and reclined together. We listened to Caruso on a wind-up record player, laughed, and told stories. Mom was unabashed despite an appendectomy scar. We got so hot that we dashed out into the snow on an incredibly cold night and had a snowball fight. The feel of a snowball on heated skin is like a cool caress. Naked and rolling in the snow, chasing one another with snowballs. What of my nudity? It was the snow that counted. Giving and not getting snow on skin. It was terrific. After this, I stopped caring about being seen naked. Years of subsequent experience made it easy. The sauna was great but I like steam baths better. Nudity, big deal! My body too horrible? Who says? Only one person, my narcissistic father, whose negative opinion hit home.

Look, taste, touch, smell, feel, imagine, try what interests you. Experience confronts what we are taught to believe and what was drilled into our brains. We cling to our notions but, short of insanity, cannot totally disregard the facts.

We can use techniques to become our selves and to develop the self. Techniques are different from the roles our narcissistic parents assume to cover their footprints so that no one can follow and evaluate them. If recognized as they really are, they expect further damage to their egos. Only a perfect image is safe. Roles help them avoid detection but a role will not help the self to grow. Their roles depict greatness but hypersensitivity to the smallest sign of nonappreciation reveals profound and unadmitted doubts.

It is good to experience our selves with a method by which we are transformed but not hidden. A method is different from a role. The self can be itself and use a method to develop. There are many methods. The one you choose should challenge and interest you. Once, I was looking for space to rent from a woman who told me to come to her party that evening and chat.

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