Things My Son Needs to Know About the World by Fredrik Backman

Author:Fredrik Backman
Language: eng
Format: epub
Publisher: Penguin
Published: 2019-04-29T23:00:00+00:00

The art of choosing your work assignments

When your mother and I clean the apartment, I could take the easy, cowardly way out. You know that. I know that. But are we those kind of men, you and I? I say no.

So when it’s Apartment Cleaning Day, I roll up my pants, take off my shirt, and walk straight into the most difficult-to-clean room without fear. No hesitation.

Yes. You heard me. I choose the bathroom. Voluntarily. I fall on that grenade. Because that’s the kind of man I am. I’m not afraid.

And you should know that I don’t just “clean” that bathroom. Any clown from the street can “clean” a bathroom. But I elevate cleaning to an art, a craftsmanship that has been passed down from Backman man to Backman man for generations. A tender skill. Some might even say it’s a calling.

You don’t become a magnificent bathroom cleaner. You’re born one.

I start by removing any loose objects. Nothing that might shake loose under a high-pressure wash will be tolerated when my dictatorship over the kingdom the ignorant public call “the restroom” begins. Because a hero never “rests.”

After that, I scrub the tiles with three different types of detergents. I wipe the mirror until the mirror’s mirror image has its own damn mirror image. I rub the metal faucets with toothpaste until you can’t even look at them without permanently damaging your eyes. I scrub the shower so meticulously that the International Olympic Committee submits an application to hold figure skating competitions there.

I clean the inside of the cupboard beneath the sink. I scour the waste pipes. I scrape the rubber molding with a toothbrush. I make Mr. Clean look so weak he’ll turn himself in to the health department, do you hear me?

And once I’m done with all that, do you know what I do then? Do you? I do it all again. Just to make sure!

Once I’m finished with the shower, it’s so shiny that a flock of crows tries to steal it. And when I’m finally done, when it’s all over, when I step out of the bathroom like a soldier victorious from battle, when I return from the galactic showdown that is cleaning as done by not just a man but a Backman man, do you know what happens then? Then I find your mother in the living room. The woman I live and die for. And she looks at me and says:

“Oh, great! Just great! While you’ve been in the shower for three and a half hours, I’ve cleaned the entire apartment on my own! Do you know how unfair that is, Fredrik?!”

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